Below is the full transcript of Campaign 2, Episode 10, Waste and Webs. This episode courtesy of the these fantastic Critters:
Transcription: @_missrachel, @adarkhufflepuff, @femmeflannellesbian, @terahnee, @poiareawesome, @ANicPratt, @sydneynowaski, /u/Rndmanswrs4rndmqstns, @vtsphinx, @lizziebathory, @ijtreasure, @theJocelynbee, @snowypoet, @rikkusho, @pkeridactyl, /u/readyaimfire18, @ossifrageous, @physicist-pi, /u/Malavai, and loyle-trash.
Editing & timesetting: @asingingbadger, /u/elizabethdoesphysics, and @eponymous_rose.
Spellings are official, verified by Matthew Mercer.
Final SRT files | Final TXT files
MATT: Welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons. First off, for those of you that are watching the awesome art sizzle– we are excited. We finally got the opportunity to get our fantastic fan song, ‘Welcome to Wildemount’ by Colm McGuinness, one of the Critter community and a very talented musician who made that piece. We’ve been trying to figure out a way to incorporate it since he put it up, so we’re excited to have that as a lead in of hype for the week, so thank you so much, Colm, for being amazing. You should check out his stuff. What are you– Are you kidnapping somebody over there?
SAM: Don’t mind me!
MATT: Before we get into the game real fast, let’s go over some announcements. First off, tonight we have dual sponsors. First, we have our fantastic returning partners in crime for this campaign, D&D Beyond.
SAM: This week, guys, D&D Beyond is offering up another discount code for 24– no, I read that wrong! 25% off any single purchase in the D&D Beyond marketplace. Use code “InvisibleWand,” not case-sensitive, to receive the discount. I’ve done a lot of things to promote D&D Beyond and all of our sponsors. I’ve done poetry. I’ve done opera. I’ve sung songs, but there’s one art form that I haven’t explored… and that’s dance.
SAM: So tonight, I will be performing with my invisible wand: a ballet, that I wrote to honor D&D Beyond. I may need a camera person.
SAM: Ready, Maestro, please hit it.
[Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy plays]
SAM: (singing, VO) D&D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D&D Beyond, D&D Beyond, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D&D Beyond, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D&D Beyond, D&D Beyond!
TRAVIS: That’s something.
MATT: I wasn’t prepared for that.
SAM: Some things have to be expressed with the human body.
MATT: Of course.
LIAM: Every time you open your mouth up that wide, an entire new universe is born.
MATT: Wow. So thank you, D&D Beyond for facilitating that for us and all the good of the internet.
TRAVIS: What would you do every week without sponsorship? You would explode.
SAM: I would do this at home.
MATT: He needs an outlet. It’s good. It’s healthy for him. Our second sponsor tonight is the upcoming game, maybe you played the franchise before. We have Far Cry 5 game, coming up soon. Liam, if you’d like to talk about that a little further.
LIAM: Oh man, Vax’ildan Vessar here from the afterlife. You know most of the time, I sit here in a big black room wondering where the fuck I am or what’s going to happen next, probably nothing. But once in a while, the Raven Queen hands me a sheet of paper to help promote projects and this week, it is Far Cry 5. I got this four minutes ago. Far Cry 5 is available on March 27th on PS4, Xbox One, and PC. Go to farcry.com– we don’t have any computers here– to learn more and pick up a copy. The latest installment of Far Cry is set in fictional Hope County, Montana, where a fanatical doomsday cult known as the Project at Eden’s Gate has taken control. You are the hero of the story in a thrilling world that hits back with every punch and where the places you discover and the locals you ally with will shape your story in ways you’ll never see coming. Also, in celebration of the upcoming release, Nerdist’s Dan Casey, Kyle Hill, and Geek & Sundry’s own Erika Ishii filmed a special Far Cry 5 training video where they took on challenges players will face in-game.
MARISHA: Oh, that’s cool!
LIAM: For shooting, car drifting, dog training and more, go to nerdist.com or youtube.com/nerdist to check it out and tell them Critical Role sent you. Send me some comic books because I’m really bored here.
MATT: Thank you, Liam.
TRAVIS: If you played Far Cry 4, it was amazing. I have higher expectations for 5.
LIAM: The story looks dark.
TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s real good. ATVs, baby! Sorry.
MATT: Thank you. And thank you, Far Cry 5, for sponsoring tonight’s game. All right, next bit. A reminder for Twitch Prime. If you guys have Amazon Prime, you can easily subscribe to any Twitch channel you want to for free, once each month. You connect your Twitch and your Amazon accounts together and you can do it with a click of a button, so check it out. If you want to watch VODs on this channel or any other channel on Twitch that you can join, that is a really easy and inexpensive way of doing so. Last week’s episode of Critical Role is available today in podcast form, so if you have friends who want to listen audio-wise, those are available where all podcasts are downloadable. Talks Machina, next Tuesday evening, about tonight’s episode will be 7:00pm Pacific, where it always is for those of you who aren’t in the weird backwards world of Daylight Savings Time. We may have to check what time that is, but you probably already know that now because of what time tonight’s episode is, anyway 7:00pm Pacific American. Our fantastic host, Brian W Foster, will be talking–
MARISHA: He did it! Nothing.
MATT: I’ve only brainfarted once and it’s like I’ve always ruined it.
LAURA: No, it’s been more than once.
TRAVIS: But good friends never let you forget, Matt.
MATT: It’s true.
LIAM: That is very true.
MATT: So check it out Tuesday. WonderCon coming up. We have a Talks Machina Critical Role panel on Sunday, March 25th at 11:30am in the Arena. So if you guys are in the vicinity and you are planning to attend WonderCon, please come to the panel. We all shall be as ridiculous as usual and I don’t know if Sam will be up for bringing his box-crotch onesie from Gen Con last year.
LAURA: Maybe you could do an interpretive dance there as well?
TALIESIN: Or turn it into an octagon.
LIAM: Yeah, or a higher faced die. Like a eight-sider or a 12-sider.
MATT: That’s true.
SAM: Let’s really push the envelope of dick jokes.
LAURA: There is no end to dick jokes.
MATT: C2E2 in Chicago also, which is having a– We have panels and signings held April 7th and April 8th. You can get your tickets at C2E2.com and we’re excited to see you guys there. I met a bunch of great “cwitters”– critters– Some great “cwitters” in Lexington, Kentucky. You guys were amazing. It was such a great time to interface with all of you, those who were able to come. Thank you so much for being patient. I know it was a wait for a lot of you. It was a joy for me and I hope it was a joy for you. A lot of you were saying you were coming to Chicago as well, so I look forward to seeing you there. Let’s see. Once again, 826LA is fantastic charity we promote and push for this. They do great work with after school classes in creative writing for underprivileged teens and children. If you have the opportunity, look into it and see if you can add any sort of funds to what they do or go ahead and give some time to them. Teach and be part of this wonderful environment. They’re amazing. I highly recommend you go check them out if you haven’t yet.
MARISHA: Taliesin, didn’t you say you ran into a critter who went and started to do D&D?
TALIESIN: I did. He’s started to do stuff down there.
MARISHA: I love that. So thank you.
TRAVIS and ASHLEY: Yeah.
TALIESIN: He was enthusiastic, so I’m excited. It’s good stuff.
MARISHA: If he can do it, you can too!
MATT: I believe we have some new merch?
LAURA: And look how cute that looks under overalls.
MARISHA: So cute!
LAURA: Those are in the store right now! As well as our new CR logo shirt which nobody is wearing.
SAM: Oh! I need one. I need a large.
LAURA: Okay. I’ll get one for you.
SAM: Shall I get one in the store? Are they available?
LAURA: At GeekandSundry.com! The shop! There it is!
ASHLEY: I love that color!
LIAM: It is executive!
LAURA: Yeah, it is. It’s like the sophisticated version. Yeah. We have some dice as well as lots of other merch, so check it out.
ASHLEY: Oh wait. Let’s have cruises soon.
TRAVIS: Let’s going to run Sea Org and we’ll give out ranks.
MATT: No! Nothing like Sea Org, please!
LIAM: We’re just getting over being sick! No cruises!
MATT: Well, anybody have anything else they want to say or shall we dive in?
TRAVIS: I like Girls Scout cookies.
MATT: All right. And on that note, let’s go dive in to tonight’s episode of Critical Role!
[click, TV static]
[groovy Critical Role theme]
MATT: And wel–
ASHLEY: I was going to say but I thought it was– I’m out of practice!
MATT: For those who are unaware, Ashley just full on ripcorded out of halfway a phrase and it was beautiful. It was adorable.
MARISHA: It could have been so many things.
ASHLEY: I’ll get better at it again. Give me a minute.
MATT: It’s all good. So last we left off, The Mighty Nein have been making their rounds in the city of Zadash, seeking opportunities, information, getting their bearings amongst the various townsfolk, streets and what goings-on there are. Picking up dates from town criers wandering through the roads, speaking with individuals, going into bathhouses where you met up with your fantastic long-lost barbarian, Yasha, coming in to join alongside you guys and your exploits. You manage to converse with a meeting, or at least, Beau and Fjord met with a meeting of unhappy denizens of the Empire, discussing their frustrations beneath the Leaky Tap, and had crossed some information with them. You had gone and made some purchases. You had sold off some of the few things you had acquired in your journeys northward along the Amber Road. You had decided to, looking for work, go to the King’s Hall, where they had a task board there and had taken one of the contracts that had been posted. You would be paid to seek the sewers beneath the city, near the outskirts of the Tri-Spire area of the town, for something that had been lurking within those tunnels below. A couple of guards had not returned, one had gone there and fled. You were promised a sum of money, should you be able to exterminate whatever this entity is, bring back proof of its demise. You jauntily accepted this. Before this happened, as a part of a journey towards this Tri-Spire, Caleb and Jester made their way there. Caleb, unsuccessfully entering a nicer district of the city that did not seem to believe or respect his presentation. Jester did so. She got a room at one of the hoity toity inns in the district and was led to some mild disappointments. Where we left off, the two of you had reconvened and began making your way back to meet up with the rest of your friends at the Leaky Tap tavern. Probably at brief distance from each other as Caleb has huffed off, in a bit of frustration. Eventually, Caleb, you make your way to the familiar outside of the Leaky Tap. You enter, the fresh mud now a little bit less fresh and dried against your face, into the interior. At this point, it’s mid afternoon, there’s maybe about, let’s say nine patrons in there and a number of your friends who have been waiting for you two to return, that are all sitting around the table and discussing amongst themselves. The rest of you guys look across and watch Caleb enter. Moments after, Jester enters as well.
LAURA: Oh hi.
TRAVIS: How’d you do?
MARISHA: Big money?
LAURA: No. Not so much. Not a lot of money.
TRAVIS: Lots of gifts, then?
LAURA: No. Nothing really. But I saw the Traveler, so that’s good enough news, everyone. He’s still around. He’s probably hanging out with us right now.
TRAVIS: He’s in Zadash? Like staying here?
LAURA: Yeah. Well, probably, yes.
TRAVIS: Isn’t that hard since he’s not technically recognized?
SAM: Should you be talking about him out in the open like that?
LAURA: Not a lot of people know who he is yet, so really, no, I don’t think I’ll get in trouble.
SAM: He’s a new god?
LAURA: Well I don’t know if he’s *new*, but he is not well known, especially here. I’m sure where he’s from *everybody* knows him because he’s really cool, so I bet a lot of people are like, “Oh my god, I love you!”
TRAVIS: He plays lots of local clubs. Yeah.
LAURA: Yes, basically.
TRAVIS: Up and coming. Enjoying a resurgence.
MARISHA: You sure he’s a god?
LAURA: Yeah! Yeah, he’s really cool. He’s so powerful. You guys should really see what he can do, because it’s amazing.
SAM: Give us a hint.
LAURA: Well, he can do lots of magic, and he can appear out of nowhere. That’s cool.
SAM: That is cool!
TRAVIS: Were you with anyone when he showed up?
TRAVIS: Do you think he’d want to meet us? Or introduce us, maybe?
LAURA: I can ask him! Yeah!
MARISHA: Yeah. I’m really interested in a god that kicks it with people.
TRAVIS and LAURA: Yeah.
MARISHA: I’ve never heard of that.
LAURA: Well, Traveler you heard it yourself! If you like everyone here, you can show up any time!
TRAVIS: Perception check.
MATT: Make a perception check.
TRAVIS: First one! That’s an eleven.
MATT: You look around the room and nothing seems to apparate. The clientele all seem disinterested with your presence. There’s nothing that would bely any arrival of an entity she spoke of.
TRAVIS: (whispering) I don’t think he’s here.
LAURA: Well, it’s possible he’s invisible right now. He does that sometimes.
TRAVIS: That is problematic.
LIAM: I mean, it is not totally unheard of. The legends in history are full of stories of the gods dabbling with mortals. I don’t know what happened for you today, but it is not common, but it does happen.
LAURA: Yeah, it happens.
ASHLEY: He shows up to you as a man? Or how does that work?
LAURA: Yeah! You know he’s just this guy. I don’t know exactly what he looks like, because he’s got this hood.
TRAVIS: A hood?
LAURA: I imagine that he’s really handsome.
LAURA: I think he’s really cute. He sounds really cute. He can probably hear me right now. I’m so embarrassed!
LIAM: Hello, guy.
LAURA: Right? Maybe he’ll start talking to you too!
MARISHA: Maybe Molly can do a seance and he’ll come out!
LAURA: Oh, well he might get– you know what? He might think that’s really fun. That could be fun.
TALIESIN: I don’t normally speak with the dead on a first date, but we’ll think about it.
TRAVIS: Yasha, do you have any kind of communication with your–
ASHLEY: I mean, I certainly don’t see him in the flesh, so no.
SAM: But do you talk to him?
ASHLEY: Yes, of course.
MARISHA: Does he talk back?
ASHLEY: Not exactly.
LAURA: Maybe you have to go somewhere really quiet, because the first time I heard the Traveler it was super duper quiet.
ASHLEY: That’s a good idea, actually. That’s a good idea.
LAURA: Fjord, can I ask you a question?
LAURA: Do you remember how long it took us to get from Port Damali to the border into–
TRAVIS: I don’t think it was more than a few days. I don’t recall exactly. Do I recall exactly?
MATT: You do. From Port Damali to the southern gates of the Empire and the Wuyun Gorge on foot, which you guys were traveling on foot, it took you about the better part of two weeks. You passed through Nicodranas– Or you didn’t pass through Nicodranas, but you went through on the road and skirted along the side. You took the road pretty much straight there, but it was quite a bit of travel on foot to get there.
TRAVIS: By a few days, I meant a couple weeks. I think that’s more of an appropriate estimation.
LAURA: So wait. If I sent a message Alfield then– or, wait. Where were we when I sent that message?
SAM: You were in Alfield.
LAURA: Then would it have gotten to Nicodranas and to Zadash by now?
TRAVIS: Jester, that’s got to take a while to get there and back.
LIAM: It would take quite a while longer. I think it’s too early for you to have checked.
MARISHA: We were in Alfield because that was also when I stole the mail.
LIAM: Also, sometimes people steal your mail. You can get robbed on the road.
LAURA: No, I just had an itch– you have a little dirt on your face but other than that.
LIAM: Shit happens.
LAURA: So maybe that’s why.
TRAVIS: Of course. Is she supposed to send you stuff here?
LAURA: She was going to send it to The Pillow Trove.
TRAVIS: We’ll have to hang out until it shows up, then.
SAM: It seems like it’s harder to get over to The Pillow Trove, maybe you could have them forward your mail to here or something like that.
LAURA: It would be a pretty expensive package, so I feel like– maybe I could do that.
SAM: Or if we had some sort of a P.O. box.
LAURA: I don’t know what it is, but I’ll look into that. I have a room there tonight, you guys.
MARISHA: Room party!
LAURA: The thing is that apparently it’s not easy to get into that district.
LIAM: I was not able to accompany her to The Pillow Trove.
SAM and MARISHA: Why not?
LIAM: Because I am shabby.
TRAVIS: You’re shabby?
TALIESIN: That is fair, you are shabby.
LIAM: Shabbily dressed.
LAURA: Shabby chic.
SAM: We need to get you some nicer clothes, then.
LIAM: You know, I was thinking on the walk back here that I would probably like to get a cloak of some kind.
MARISHA: You could also get a new jacket and new pants.
LIAM: I know where everything is in every pocket of this coat. It has been with me through a lot. What?
LAURA: Maybe we can go somewhere and they will make a coat exactly like that coat with all the same pockets, only it won’t have the holes in it.
MARISHA: How long could it take you to memorize pockets on a coat? That’s like 20 minutes.
LIAM: I will probably just get a cloak.
LAURA: That’s probably good too.
ASHLEY: Should we get you a rag as well? Just to have on hand like a hanky. So you don’t have to do a full bath you could just do a quick–
LIAM: I’m not bothered. It seems like maybe–
SAM and TALIESIN: I’m not bothered.
ASHLEY: I’m definitely not bothered.
TRAVIS: Yasha makes a good point, though. Just in case a simple wipe down was enough to gain you entry.
LIAM: You know, water is not very hard to come by so I can–
LAURA: Or we just keep going to visit that guy who made you clean. Every day we could go see him, and then he makes us all clean!
MARISHA: You could really just get a new coat.
TALIESIN: Does feel like a terrible abuse of hospitality.
LAURA: What, to use his power like that? I want to ask The Traveler if he knows how to do that, because I wonder if he could make me do that.
TALIESIN: Is The Traveler the only god you’ve seen, or have you seen other gods?
LAURA: No, I’ve only seen that guy.
TALIESIN: So this is the one that decided to make itself presentable to you?
MARISHA: She does see hamster unicorns. Are they gods?
LAURA: No, they’re just unicorns.
SAM: We’ve been sitting drinking, right?
TALIESIN: I’ve been drinking.
SAM: We’ve been plotting our next moves.
TRAVIS: We’ve got to tackle this job at some point.
LAURA: We’ve got to get to that sewer, you guys!
TRAVIS: Yeah, it’s a sewer nexus with a beast with webs.
MARISHA: So we’re not having this room party?
TALIESIN: We’re having the room party after the sewers.
TRAVIS: Yeah, because we’ll have bank and get room service and shit.
LAURA: Because we’ll have to get clean or else we won’t get in there.
TALIESIN: I want to defile a very expensive shower.
LIAM: That’s why I’m saying the sewer first because you all are going to be dirty like me.
TALIESIN: And somebody else’s hotel room will get us clean.
ASHLEY: If you’re renting a room there, maybe they have to let us in.
MARISHA: You also have to get in in order to rent the room.
LAURA: I think they only have to let me in, technically.
TRAVIS: Did they give you a hall pass or something?
LAURA: I have this key. It says Pillow Trove on it.
TRAVIS: Is it just a key or is there a thing that dangles from it, something we could mimic and make more of?
MATT: It’s a very intricate key. It feels like a dense iron, but it’s been gold leafed, or coated in some sort of reflective gold-like metal. It’s very well made. It has little scrawlings on it, almost like a spiral in the center. The key itself–
TRAVIS: Jester, can I see it real fast?
MATT: –is probably worth a silver in its own right.
LAURA: Oh yeah, Beau has it right now.
TRAVIS: Oh. Thank you. I take a real good look at it in case I want to fucking Minor Illusion that shit later.
MATT: Okay. Good to know.
LIAM: Also, I don’t think that’s the main issue. They’re very strict at the gate for who gets in and some of us might not have a problem, but more than one of us might.
MARISHA: Caleb, why are you so hung up on just changing clothes for, like, ten minutes, just to get through the door?
LIAM: It seems more like you were hung up on it than I am.
TALIESIN: Let a man be eccentric.
MARISHA: I’m just saying, you want in, dress for what you want.
LIAM: That’s why I want to pay for a cloak.
SAM: This is your jam?
TALIESIN: I’m a real fan of this one.
TRAVIS: It gets real turned up when this here starts playing.
MATT: You turn back at the three piece half-elven band that are moseying their way through the afternoon lazily. They’re whispering and chatting amongst each other and ribbing each other with their elbows between things, half paying attention to the music, but it’s nice enough to keep atmosphere.
TALIESIN: I’m tossing a silver over, just for that.
TRAVIS: A silver?!
TRAVIS: Fucking start small, man.
TALIESIN: Don’t tell me how to spend my money.
MATT: As the coin clinks and rolls about two feet off, the gentleman standing with this double set of drums that lays over a leather strap on him. You can see he’s got this shaved sides of his head. This young half-elven boy immediately sees that, stops drumming, grabs the coin, gives you a nod and goes right back into the song. You watch as the other performers all of a sudden immediately look to you and they’re all like–
TRAVIS: Now the beat’s all off.
TALIESIN: What you’re hearing is the happiness of a performer.
LIAM: Are we going to–
MATT: So he’s Steve Martin in The Jerk, yeah.
TALIESIN: Fuck you, Birdman.
LIAM: Two things; one, Fjord, will you pass me these cookies over here?
LIAM: Thank you. Second of all, are we going to try to tackle this sewer this evening, or is this something that we’re going to do tomorrow?
SAM: What time is it?
MATT: Late afternoon.
TRAVIS: I’ve been looking at some of the folks around here. I think they’re over exaggerating the importance of this beast.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I think we should at least go down there and take a look.
LIAM: Oh, I’m not opposed to going down there, I just mean are we waiting until cover of night or are we doing this–
TRAVIS: Nah. I don’t think so. I’m not a super fan of the sewer during the day. I figure I’ll like it even less at night.
MARISHA: Well, why don’t we at least go and talk to that guard that came back? Try and track him down, maybe get a little bit of insight.
TRAVIS: Ooh, yeah. Do we know where that guy is?
MARISHA: Do we know where that guy is?
MATT: Which guy?
TRAVIS: The guy that came running back.
MARISHA: Oh, or was there a guy that came back?
TRAVIS: That Voloshin said that one of them ran back from the task.
MATT: Yeah, you don’t know anything. You can go back and try and ask for information on that, but, you haven’t met him or anything.
TALIESIN: I know one thing that’s a photosensitive thing. If we need to make a fast escape I’d rather have some light maybe, if it’s something like that.
TALIESIN: Daytime’s better for that. Different environment.
TRAVIS: Good thinking.
LAURA: So is it better to go now or tomorrow morning?
TALIESIN: I don’t know.
TRAVIS and TALIESIN: Now.
TRAVIS: How long does it take to get over to the Tri-Spire area, find us a manhole?
MATT: From where you are now, it’d take you maybe the better part of 45 minutes, better part of an hour.
TRAVIS: Is it early afternoon or late afternoon?
LAURA: Late afternoon you said?
MATT: It’s late afternoon. You’re probably about an hour and a half, two hours, from sundown.
TRAVIS: We’ll be fine.
TALIESIN: I say we do it.
TRAVIS: Yeah, why not?
MARISHA: I mean, it will be dark after that.
TALIESIN: I’m buzzed, and if I have another drink I’m going to be more than buzzed.
MARISHA: Oh yeah, let’s drink and fight. That’s a good idea.
TRAVIS: We’re definitely going now.
TALIESIN: I’m right where I want to be. I want a 45-minute walk to get there.
TRAVIS: Hey, let’s do it. You’ll walk your buzz off.
MARISHA: Let’s maybe stock up on some torches on the way there. Nah, we don’t need torches, do we?
MARISHA: Not any more.
TRAVIS: Not with your nerd goggles.
MATT: Do keep in mind, and this is my fault too for not keeping track of it, but even with darkvision, you’re still seeing pretty low light. Long distance perception checks without light, you’re still at a disadvantage on them. I’ve been bad about keeping track of that.
LIAM: You’ve been bad.
TALIESIN: We have a light spell, though, don’t we?
LIAM: Yeah, that’s also dim light though as well. It’s not super bright. Unless I–
TALIESIN: I must have a torch or something.
MARISHA: I have one in my adventurer’s kit.
LAURA: You have an adventurer’s kit?
TALIESIN: I have a tinder box.
MATT: So you can turn things into torches.
TALIESIN: I have a hooded lantern.
ASHLEY: I have a tinder box too. I have a torch!
MATT: (laughs) Everyone looks at their equipment suddenly!
LIAM: This game is amazing!
TALIESIN: I have all this stuff in this bag I never opened.
MATT: Well all righty. What’s the plan?
LAURA: Oh, I have an axe now!
MATT: You do. You have a handaxe.
TALIESIN: You’ve got a handaxe.
TALIESIN: Have you equipped it?
TALIESIN: Yeah, look at that. Oh, wow.
TRAVIS: How about we casually make our way over, and as we’re doing that we can keep an eye out for kingsguard and see if they know of this guy?
MATT: Are you guys making your way towards that direction?
LIAM: I would like to keep my eye out for a decent clothing shop.
MATT: Okay, fair enough. Make an investigation check for you as you guys travel and traverse the city.
LIAM: It is an 11.
MATT: Yeah, along the way and keeping an eye out, asking a couple questions here and there, you eventually find a very basic clothing wears company. Nothing fancy, but just utility. Pants, worker’s shirts, gloves, and cloaks are available. So if you want to buy a cloak you can do that.
LIAM: I would like to get something that is brown, muted, nothing gaudy. Probably do not have that anyway.
MATT: Not in this one, no. Your choices are pretty much brown, black, and gray, so you are good.
LIAM: The brown one. Yeah.
MATT: You are good on that one. I do not recall if they have any pricing put down for cloaks.
LIAM: It’s 50 gold.
MATT: 600 gold pieces. Eh, it falls under what would be general common clothes, so I’ll put the cloak cost at two silver.
LIAM: Okay. I have that.
TALIESIN: A poor man could buy half a cloak. Half a cloak between them.
TRAVIS: One of those shitty dueling shawls that they throw off?
TALIESIN: I love it.
SAM: Actually, what season is it? Are we north? Is it going to get cold?
LAURA: It’s cold.
MATT: The further north you go, yeah. This particular area is pretty chilly, especially since you are getting towards the end of fall. It’s almost Harvest Close in two weeks. You are going to start hitting winter in the very near future. You would know this, too, that snowfall is fairly common in the winter here.
SAM: Can you pick me up ear muffs?
LIAM: Of course I can do that. I ask for the largest size they have and I get a woolen cap as well.
MATT: For both those together? One silver piece.
LIAM: Yeah, okay. I have that.
ASHLEY: Are you going to take your ears and roll them?
SAM: That sounds amazing. I will do that.
TRAVIS: Warren T. Rat in American Tail.
MARISHA: Two sponge rollers.
MATT: Perfect. Following that, the task board contract that you recovered and was assigned to you by the Herald of the Hall contains both the writ of Lawmaster intent, which is what will give you approval to travel into the sewer without being harried by the Crownsguard, and also gives you the location of the sewer that leads you there. Following the basic instructions and asking around you eventually find yourselves at the corner of Ruen Road and Dewmist.
MATT: Yeah. R-U-E-N. As you approach this intersection, largely still cobblestone, a few that are missing and the dust is sitting in those pockets making it soft. The sky is still light, but you can see the sun beginning to crest past the near walls and familiar to the two of you, you guys are maybe two blocks from the outer wall of the Tri-Spire.
LAURA: Hey guys, we are about two blocks from the outer wall. We’re super close.
MARISHA: All right.
MATT: At the intersection, there are two crownsguard that are stationed there that are keeping eyes and watching around. Off to the eastern side of the intersection behind one of the poles that contain the lanterns that are lit at night, you can see the cover that leads to the sewer below. It’s less of a sewer or manhole cover, but it is an open drain, a latch and a small metal pole that prevents anyone from going into it.
LIAM: Are there any clowns in it?
MATT: Make a perception check.
LIAM: That is a– I’m looking it up– a ten.
MATT: “You don’t see anything dangerous, Georgie.”
TRAVIS: Oh Jesus. Please no.
MATT: As you begin to spend time staring through the grate and start deciding how to get into there, one of the Crownsguard stationed walks up and approaches quickly and goes, “Excuse me, can I ask you what you are doing here?”
MARISHA: Oh good! They came to us.
TRAVIS: Yeah, this is your opportunity to shine. Get them.
TRAVIS: Explain what we’re doing.
MARISHA: All right, here’s what we are doing. We got this whole writ thing from the Lawmaster. We are going to go down, kill the monster who is tormenting you guys. Heard you lost a few guards. Heard any rumors? Do you know anything, before we go down there and maybe die?
MATT: “I’ve heard a few things. It’s a–”
MATT: “Apparently there is something down there that’s been real scary and–”
MARISHA: Come on, man.
MATT: “I’m not fucking going down there. You kidding me?”
MARISHA: I’m not– why–
MATT: “I only know what I’ve heard!”
MARISHA: Did I ever ask you to come with us? I just asked for rumors, man.
MATT: “No, I can open the grate.”
MARISHA: Don’t put words in my mouth!
MATT: “I wasn’t meaning to put words in–”
MARISHA: Open the– What did you hear?
MATT: He scratches his head over his helmet and doesn’t realize he’s not getting to the itch.
MARISHA: Stop with the nervous tics. Stop.
MATT: “All I know is that we apparently we lost a couple of guys down there and–”
MARISHA: I know that.
MATT: “One of them was pissing himself and ran.”
MARISHA: That’s still not information on the monster.
MATT: “Well, be my guest.” He pulls a key off of a ring and goes down to the latch on the metal bar that blocks off the entry and pulls it open.
LAURA: Wait, what guard was it that ran away?
MATT: “I don’t fucking know! There is a lot of them around here!”
ASHLEY: Do you know how they were killed? Did anybody see the wounds?
MATT: “They never recovered the body.”
ASHLEY: They never recovered the body.
LAURA: They are probably eaten completely by now.
MATT: “Well, you’re welcome to go down there and continue.”
SAM: Are all the sewer grates blocked with a lock?
MATT: “Yes, to prevent folks from wandering into them.”
LAURA: Oh no, but how will we get out?
MATT: “Well, I’m stationed here for the next several hours, so as long as your return–”
SAM: To this one?
MATT: “To this one. You’ll be fine.”
LAURA: What if we get trapped at another one and then we can’t get out?
MATT: “Well, start shouting. Keep the writ on hand and if there’s any crownsguard that hear you, they’ll probably be able to let you out.”
TRAVIS: Seems reasonable enough.
MARISHA: Is there a way to navigate the sewer systems? Any markings we should look for?
MATT: “I’m going to be honest, I haven’t been down there. It smells real bad.”
TRAVIS: Do you know if the sewers flooded any time during the day? Any sort of unexpected water flows?
MATT: “I don’t think so. We haven’t had any heavy rainfall. I haven’t been able to hear more than a trickle down there for a number of weeks.”
MARISHA: Nothing about what kind of monster it is? No darkness? Tentacles? Big teeth?
LIAM: Any sounds coming out of there?
MATT: “Nothing I’ve heard, no.”
TRAVIS: When people ask you who those brave souls that ventured into sewer, you tell them The Mighty Nein.
SAM and LAURA: (whistle and intone theme of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly)
MATT: “I understand. There’s seven of you?”
SAM: Count again.
LAURA: I move to the other side of Nott.
LIAM: You have to think about it for a while.
MATT: He looks genuinely overwhelmed by all the information and goes, “Good luck and yell if you need something.” (throat clearing) He pulls the rest of the bar open and you guys have this space, about a foot and a half.
TRAVIS: Who is first?
ASHLEY: I go.
TRAVIS: Yeah! Get in there, tank!
MATT: Yasha, as you climb down, it drops and your foot finds a rung. There is a metallic bar that acts as a ladder. As you begin to lower yourself down, you can look to your left and right, and what little bit of daylight is coming through helps to fill out some of the interior. You can see what is maybe 15 or so feet across, side to side, 15 to 20 feet from this wall to the other is slick stones and a slight curvature which leads into a base where there is a small ditch or a basin where old liquid is trickling through. There is a mild decline heading away from the direction you are and a mild incline heading in the direction of the Tri-Spires. The smell is not pleasant, but you’re a tough chick, it’s never been an issue. So you get yourself down and it is no more than ten feet to climb to the base of this at the moment. You see from this spot where you have climbed down, the ceiling drops low to about ten or so feet. You’re probably about 15 or 20 feet below the surface now.
ASHLEY: I’ll take out my torch. I’ll light my torch once I get down there.
MATT: Your torch lights and the bright space begins to open up from side to side.
LAURA: (yells) Do you see any monsters down there?
ASHLEY: I look around. (yells back) Everything looks good!
MATT: Make a perception check.
MATT: Spoke too soon.
ASHLEY: I forgot how to play D&D! Everything looks good! (screams) Uh-oh!
LIAM: The boulder from Raiders.
ASHLEY: Eight! Like I said, everything looks good!
LIAM: Do you want Nott down there? It is what you do. You are very good.
ASHLEY: Yeah, come on down Nott.
SAM: Before I go, can I borrow that ring of water walking?
LAURA: Oh, sure. Wait, which one was it?
SAM: Not that one, that one or that one. I know what those are
LAURA: What about this one?
SAM: Yeah. that’s it.
SAM: I don’t know if you have to attune to it but I’m going.
LAURA: You don’t.
MATT: Yeah, you don’t have to.
SAM: All right, I’ll go down there with Yasha.
MATT. You climb down and join Yasha there. You can see the slight decline behind you as it progresses away from the direction of the current seems to have happened. Once again, the smell is stagnant, a combination of waste product and whatever else has rotted and congealed down here. The smell of bacteria-filled liquids and water. Continuing upwards, it curves a little bit to the right and out of sight with the faint bit of torchlight that bounces off the slick wall. There is a weird humid warmness to the air down here. It’s not extremely pleasant. You don’t see anything else in here than what look to be clusters of waste combined with sticks and whatever has washed down through here from previous storms and has begun to build up blockages here and there, maybe a foot or two across.
SAM: Are we going to keep going? Or should we get the–
ASHLEY: We can wait until everyone gets down.
LAURA: Can we come down?
SAM: It’s fine! Just come down.
TALIESIN: Coming down.
ASHLEY: I keep looking. Keeping watch. Listening.
MATT: You will eventually down into the sewer grate and you’ll hear (metal scraping) (click) and the metal bar up top is closed.
LAURA: They locked us in!
TRAVIS: No, they just closed it, Jester.
SAM: It’s a trap, we are all going to die.
ASHLEY: We won’t die.
TRAVIS: What do we think? Go up or down? Up, right?
LAURA: I think a monster would be down.
SAM: Monsters would be down.
MARISHA: Can I do a look around to see if there are any types of street marking in the sewers?
MATT: Make an investigation check.
TRAVIS: I put the glove of blasting on my left hand.
MARISHA: Natural 18. 22, I believe. 22.
MATT: Looking at right near the base of where the rungs are there look to be arrows that point each direction. The arrow to the right which leads upward splits into three additional arrows.
MARISHA: So one, two, three type of a thing. What about the arrow to the left?
MATT: It is just a continuous arrow.
TRAVIS: What the fuck did you just draw?
MARISHA: This arrow splits into three arrows and then it’s a penis.
TRAVIS: If you ever make a road sign people are fucked. That is–
LIAM: It’s a Nintendo controller.
TRAVIS: Yep. That’s some old fucking Street Fighter combo shit.
TALIESIN: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right.
MARISHA: Right, yeah. Also, there’s got to be an A and B around here. All right, I guess there are more options this way or down deeper.
MARISHA: I mean it is a sewer system.
TRAVIS: You really want to go south? You two?
TALIESIN: Always go down.
ASHLEY: Well, I feel like if you were a monster you would go–
LIAM: Go further away from people.
TRAVIS: I like that logic.
MARISHA: Or it could just be the main drainage out of the city.
TALIESIN: That’s fair.
TRAVIS: Bobby Tarantino. Let’s do it. Let’s go South.
MARISHA: All right.
LAURA: I feel like we are walking in a stinky crotch. Why?!
SAM: Oh no.
LAURA: The Traveler!
LIAM and ASHLEY: No!
LIAM: Everything is going to be fine, Jester.
MATT: Shh. Don’t spoil it! You guys begin to head southward. It is a very faint decline. You can only tell it’s a decline in the sense that if you look right or left you can see that the water is trickling in the direction you are traveling. The tunnel continues for about a 100 feet before it curves slightly to the right and comes to another set of rungs and another sewer top access.
LIAM: Were we told that there was some sort of webbing?
MATT: Yes, that was the only notable element of what you were looking for.
LIAM: I see. Any of that as we go?
MATT: Perception check.
MARISHA: I wrote down blockage, webbing, and nest.
MATT: No sense of webbing, no.
LAURA: Do we see any rats down here?
MATT: At the moment you don’t see anything moving, no.
ASHLEY: Any tracks of any sort?
MATT: Make an investigation check if you want to.
MATT: You get down and look about, and you don’t see any tracks by any means, but you notice that near where the water is– and it’s a faint trickle of water. The stream is about that wide, and you barely hear it moving past. You see elements of sludge that has slowly congealed over time along the edges of this groove that guides the liquid, and you can see bits are pushed like something had moved through in the direction of where you were, but that’s it.
LAURA: In the direction of where we came from?
MATT: Angled like something slid and pushed through the water in the direction you came from.
MARISHA: How big are those slide marks, Yasha?
MATT: About four inches.
MARISHA: Four inches?
MATT: Yeah. You see one or two that slide out.
LAURA: Does that mean we’re going the wrong way or the right way?
SAM: I’m going to get down and take a little bit of the smear and–
SAM: Do I taste anything?
MATT: Make an intelligence check.
SAM: 19. Plus five! No, plus three.
MATT: It’s a combination of things. Your alchemical history and heightened F senses for waste product. There’s hints of excrement.
LIAM: Know how much diarrhea blasting they did in the Middle Ages?
MATT: No! No! No!
SAM: It’s old diarrhea.
MATT: Stop it, Sam! Okay.
TALIESIN: This is your fault.
MARISHA: They’re eating at home right now.
MATT: There’s a hint of an iron aftertaste, something oxidizing somewhere in the water, or the water itself. A faint hint of sulphur from the water and things breaking down in the water. Nothing that catches your immediate attention except for — Oh my God, she’s no longer roleplaying!
LAURA: Oh my God! I didn’t even put it together.
LIAM: That’s all that’s in the haversack.
LAURA: I just want this.
MATT: Because you rolled so high, that faint iron aftertaste is familiar.
LAURA: Is it blood?
MATT: It reminds you of when you’ve licked a wound or bit your lip. It’s very faint. Because you rolled that high, you’re like, hmm.
SAM: This is bloody stool.
TALIESIN: How would you know that?
SAM: I know this taste. I know it well.
TRAVIS: Nobody is going to ask you why you know that. Just so we’re clear, you don’t need to explain anymore.
SAM: It’s sort of like Pringles, where you just can’t have one.
LAURA: I might throw up.
MATT: So what are you guys doing?
SAM: So something’s been killed and dragged that way.
TRAVIS: I think maybe we should head back in the opposite direction.
ASHLEY: In the area where we’re at, the only exit now goes up another rung to the outside?
MATT: Correct. Or continues on the direction you were traveling. Looking at that set of rungs, you can see the arrows that are still marked there. There’s a singular arrow that goes in the direction where you came from, and the other arrow splits into two. You get the sense that each of these indicates where the next, if you continue that way, if it’s going to divide or be straight. Part of this network of sewers that have been built below Zadash long ago.
TRAVIS: Since you’re tasting hemorrhoids in the water, it’s probably coming from that direction.
LAURA: Yeah, you’re right.
MARISHA: The water seems to be moving towards the direction we’re going?
MATT: You were heading down, and the water’s trickling in that direction.
MARISHA: Go back the other way.
LAURA: We turn around.
TRAVIS: Let’s do it.
MATT: You guys continue back to where you were and traverse instead upwards. You guys had paid a little bit of attention when you were traveling towards the Tri-Spire, but the entire city is not level. There are grades to it. It was built over hilly terrain, as most of this valley itself has all sorts of varying heights of hills and clusters of hills. The Tri-Spire is up on a raised hill within the city’s construct, so as you ascend in the direction of the Tri-Spire, you get the sense that you’re not ascending too terribly much, but you’re now just about underneath where the wall was. As it curves around a bit, you look ahead as Yasha’s holding out her torch, and you can see a T-intersection of the sewer where it continues on straight, or heads to the right, or to the left.
LAURA: You should probably lick the ground everywhere and see if you taste that blood anymore.
MATT: You also see more of those clusters of built-up refuse that have created small masses in the ground where the water is pooling and making its way around.
TRAVIS: The curved surface of this area, can we see the ceiling clearly or is it way above us?
MATT: You can, yeah. And while the floor itself– the walls gradually come in and become a bit of a level platform and then descend into the ditch where the water is traversing, the ceiling is a continued curvature of it. It’s almost like a tube.
LAURA: Any webbing?
MATT: Make a perception check.
SAM: I’m going to look for footprints.
MATT: You make an investigation check.
SAM: That’s a one.
MATT: You see a very faint, barely shifting piece of thin silk cheese cloth-like material that is barely visible on the cusp of the torchlight on the right-hand side of that intersection.
LAURA: Guys, guys, look, look! Bring the torch over!
LAURA: It’s a webbing!
MATT: As we continue from this point, guys, I want to know what your marching order is as you’re traversing forward.
LIAM: Hey, I’m at the back.
MATT: Right. We have Caleb at the back.
LAURA: Maybe that would be bad, though. Maybe you should be in the middle. Have you ever been at a haunted house? They come at you from behind!
MARISHA: That’s true, the middle is the safest. I’ll take the front with Yasha, I’m assuming.
SAM: I’ll be right behind them.
TALIESIN: I’ll be with you.
TRAVIS: Yeah. Swords in the middle.
MATT: Nott, you’re in the middle with them?
MATT: Jester, where are you?
LAURA: I guess I’ll be right behind Molly.
MATT: There we go. So you go up and inspect the web?
MATT: You guys head up with the torch. You come into the intersection. The water is coming down from the path in front of you, directly across. The left-hand tunnel continues for about 40 or 50 feet before it curves off and goes upward again, almost a parallel path. There’s water trickling down there that’s all meeting here. To the right, where this webbing is, there is no water. It is a dry ditch.
LAURA: I bet that’s where we want to go. It’s blocked.
ASHLEY: Can I touch a little bit of the webbing with the flame?
MATT: Sure. You bring the torch to the webbing and watch as it burns away in a few seconds and turns to ash and dust. There’s also a very faint scratching sound.
TALIESIN: I’m activating one. I’m pulling a hand down one of my swords and I’m getting it to light up.
MATT: You activate one of them. As it lights up, you bring the torch around to look.
MARISHA: Putting my goggles on.
TRAVIS: I’m going to go ahead and cast Armor of Agathys, get on the spectral frost armor.
MATT: As the armor filters up onto you, the weird, warm, humid air of the sewer interior seems to crystallize against your armor. The ice that normally gives a translucent bluish-white color has a strangely yellow-green tint to it.
TRAVIS: It’s the snowcone variety.
SAM: As I see everybody doing this, I’m going to take a big swig of liquor.
MATT: Okay. You take a quick swig. You guys look out in the distant tunnels and you see nothing.
TRAVIS: Scratching sound’s a rat and we’re all like (whimper).
MATT: It’s funny. As you glance down at the ground, though, one of those small clusters of refuse shifts a little bit. And shifts again.
LAURA: What is it?
MARISHA: I take a ball bearing–
LAURA: Poke it with your stick!
MATT: I say little. It’s a few feet across. They’ve gotten larger as you’ve progressed on.
MARISHA: I’m going to take a ball bearing and ping it.
LAURA: How close is it to us?
MATT: There’s a bunch up in the hall around you right now. As you throw the ball bearing and it hits, some of it breaks away, and you see horrible matted fur. There’s a flash in the torchlight where you see two eyes reflect through, and you hear this sound (shriek). You watch as fangs open up, and a bunch of the other clusters of gathered refuse all suddenly begin to shift and skitter in your direction. I need you all to roll initiative.
LAURA: We’re fighting poop-rats!
MARISHA: It’s a hairball.
TALIESIN: Oh my god.
TRAVIS: Natural 20.
LAURA: That’s what happens when I roll one that I haven’t been charging up.
SAM: Yep. It’s definitely because of that. Look at this sewer! Is that really wet?
LAURA: It just looks wet.
MATT: We had you guys up here.
TRAVIS: It’s actual shit.
LAURA: Matt is very committed.
MARISHA: It’s reality seeping into our game a little bit.
MATT: All righty.
LAURA: Oh no! See, Caleb, look, you should’ve been in the middle of us!
MATT: All of these sewer-faring giant rats begin to rush towards you. Their fur seems to have, over time, merged with other bits of discarded debris and matter, causing this outer shell of broken garbage, trash, and excrement that protects them and gives this look of a horrible, half-burned pile of compost with teeth and fur rushing in your direction. On that note.
ASHLEY: I love that we’re fighting rats right now.
MARISHA: I know! It’s so Baldur’s Gate. I love it.
LAURA: (chanting) Level three!
MATT: For initiative here, guys, let’s start with 25 to 20. Anyone?
LAURA: Oh shit, really?
MATT: Oh damn.
TRAVIS: 20 as well. Natural 20.
MATT: You rolled a natural 20? What’s your initiative?
MATT: Oh, that’s right. We have Nott and Fjord. 20 to 15?
TRAVIS: I’m a limited fucking warlock.
MARISHA: (chanting) Level three!
MATT: 15 to 10.
ASHLEY: Oh shit.
MATT: 10 to five.
ASHLEY: No, I know. I’m one to talk.
LAURA: No, mine was nine!
TRAVIS and MARISHA: Nine!
MATT: Molly, what was yours?
MATT: All righty.
LAURA: It might’ve been eight. Let’s just make it eight because I can’t remember if I rolled a five or a six.
MATT: It’s fine. It doesn’t matter in the order. At the top, all of them start rushing in, their eyes glaring as they shift past the torch that Yasha’s holding. There’s probably six, maybe seven in the vicinity at a quick glance around you, and they’re all rushing in your direction. Nott and Fjord, you guys are up first.
TRAVIS: I turn to see where all of them are in relation to the party. Are there any sons of bitches over here that I can’t see?
MATT: At the moment, you don’t see any.
TRAVIS: Okay, great. I turn around and I see Caleb being flanked by two of them, and I know he is super squishy. Can I run towards this rat?
MATT: You can.
TRAVIS: Can I reach back with my hand and–
MATT: That rat there gets an attack of opportunity as you swipe out of its range first. That is going to be a 15, actually, not bad.
TRAVIS: That hits.
MATT: That hits! As it snaps out at you, you take five points of piercing damage. As it bites out, you feel its teeth sink into the back of your calf muscle, through the armor and into the back of the thick running muscle. The pain strikes through you. You yank your foot away and you feel something tear. You can feel the blood running down the back of your leg and inside your boot as you feel the pounding of the very dirty bite that it’s left in the back of your leg.
TRAVIS: The rat takes ten points of frost damage.
MATT: As you pull away from it, the pounding pain of your leg is also accompanied by the sudden sound of a rat shattering into ice pieces against the ground and disintegrating. As it bites and sinks its teeth into you, the thing suddenly crusts over with a similar type of strange, yellowish-green ice before it T-1000 shatters across the floor of the inside of the sewer. Continuing your round.
TRAVIS: I reach back to strike the rat. As my hand goes down, I’ll summon the falchion into my hand and strike down.
MATT: In one sweep, an empty hand apparates, and water springs out from the grasp as it slams down. Go ahead and roll for an attack.
LAURA: Is it also yellow water?
MATT and TRAVIS: No.
TRAVIS: It’s a 14.
MATT: A 14 hits. You can roll damage.
TRAVIS: It was one-handed, so 1d8. Ten points of damage.
MATT: As you sweep down, you completely bisect the rat with your blade. It screams out in this loud, heavy, horrible, monstrous squeak. You’re not used to hearing what normally is a small rodent sound, but amplified from a larger, bulbous, mutated form that it now has. As you impact, you see it cut in half. It releases this putrid cloud of whatever gases its body holds in it. I need you to make a constitution saving throw, please.
TRAVIS: Oh, shit.
TRAVIS: Nine, 13.
MATT: You manage to hold your breath and back out of it as it dissipates around you. That finishes your turn?
TRAVIS: Yes, it does.
LAURA: Fjord! Why you got to fart while we’re fighting?
TRAVIS: I got nervous!
SAM: There’s a couple rats within range of my allies, right? So that I could get sneak attack?
MATT: Correct! There’s one right there. Each one of these is considered one spot between you.
SAM: Okay, I’ll disengage, back away down that hall that way, get far enough away, then turn around back, go (whimper), and fire my crossbow at the one next to Jester. No, that’s Molly.
MATT: Right there. Okay, go for it. Roll for attack.
SAM: 15 plus four, I think?
MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.
SAM: Okay. That’s a lot of d6s. Right? Yeah. 15.
MATT: It rears back and goes to leap in the air towards Molly’s face. It gets maybe two inches off the ground before your bolt sinks right through its skull, emerges on the other side, and it spins in the air. The momentum of its leap striking the momentum of your bolt, and there’s a spray of blood in the air. This noxious cloud of gas emerges from the wound that’s left in the side of its throat. I need Molly, Beau, and Yasha to make constitution saving throws, please.
MARISHA: Not fun.
ASHLEY: Oh no.
SAM: It’s a small hole the bolt makes.
MATT: It’s like popping a balloon. It (explosion). They seem, based on the bacteria and whatever they’ve been living in, to be carrying a large amount of this gas in their body. What’d you get?
MARISHA: Natural one.
MATT: Molly, you pull away for the moment and put your coat over the front and block it. The two of you, unintentionally, it gets into your nose, it stings your eyes, you both take three points of poison damage.
LAURA: Oh no.
MARISHA and TRAVIS: (gagging)
MATT: Finished your turn, Nott?
SAM: That’s it.
MATT: Beau, you’re up. As you’re coughing, it’s stinging all of your senses, and you right yourself and prepare for your turn.
MARISHA: Oh sorry. Hang on, I’m taking damage. One, two, three– apply damage. I’m going to take this one that is in between, closest to me and Yasha, and I’m going to do a big ol’ golf swing with my quarterstaff. Not that dice, you were mean to me. Ooh, that’s good! 22 to hit.
MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.
MARISHA: Oh no, that’s a four. I thought that was a one for a second. Eight damage.
MATT: Eight damage. Angrily, in response to this, you sweep down with a giant golf swing of your staff, and as it hits, it impacts, bludgeons the side of its body. It gets slammed, hits the wall, and falls to the ground. Some of the gas seeps out of its body, but it isn’t exposed. It is dead, but the method of damage delivery seemingly didn’t disturb whatever was contained within its body.
MARISHA: Interesting. I still have my other attack, yeah? Can I move in and kick that guy?
MATT: Over which one?
MARISHA: Yeah, that one. I’m going to rat kick. Rat kick. Natural 20!
MARISHA: Come on, give me that big ol’ four– That’s a one! Six damage.
MATT: You rush up and critically kick this rat in the side of its body. Wham! You feel breaks and bones, or might be sticks, might be whatever else has created this shell of debris about its body. It gives this screeching sound as falls over onto its side and then gets back in its place. It’s hurting, it’s barely holding itself in place, but it’s angry and ready to snap back at you.
MARISHA: I reach over to Yasha and I go–
MATT: And it is Yasha’s turn, actually.
ASHLEY: Yeah. Wait, is this a dog next to Caleb, what is this?
MATT: No, those are all rats. I didn’t have as many rat minis for this. Use your imagination!
TRAVIS: (laughing) I have reservations about killing a sewer dog.
ASHLEY: Okay, I think–
MATT: You get the idea.
ASHLEY: I think she’s got this, so– I don’t want anything to happen to Caleb. Can I get to any of the ones over by him?
MATT: You have enough movement to get to any of those.
ASHLEY: Okay, so I’ll move over to one of those. Let’s go to the one closest to him.
MATT: Over here? One, two, three.
ASHLEY: I’m going to– Wait, so slashing– so bludgeoning keeps it from–
LIAM: From breaking open.
ASHLEY: I’m going to rear back and punch it.
MATT: Okay, go for it. Make an attack roll.
SAM and MARISHA: Punch it.
MATT: Yasha the rat puncher! You’re not raging, right? It’s just a regular attack.
MATT: That hits. So it takes one point of damage, plus whatever your strength modifier is.
LAURA: That’s good.
TALIESIN: Don’t you have a– Actually, you’ve got an unarmed strike.
ASHLEY: Unarmed strike, yeah.
LAURA: I look like I have an unarmed strike too, but I don’t think I do.
ASHLEY: One, plus your strength modifier.
TALIESIN: So that means you can do four points of damage. Technically, it’s not one point, it’s four points–
MATT: Well, it’s one point, and then she adds her strength modifier to it. So four, yeah. So it takes four points of damage. As you bludgeon it, you hold the sword with one hand– Or your sword’s probably still sheathed at this point, you’re holding the torch in one hand, so you rush up and fist-punch it.
ASHLEY: Do I get– I don’t because I moved– do I get a bonus action? (mumbling) Still trying to figure this out.
LIAM: Is the torch in your punching hand?
MATT: It’s not a light weapon, it’s not a weapon you can off-hit with it.
ASHLEY: Can I just touch it? Set it aflame?
MATT: You could’ve if that was your action, but you’ve already punched it. However, you did straight up rush up and cold-cock deck a sewer rat in the face. Once again, you feel the crunching right behind it as it falls over and gets back up, its jaw’s hanging off to one side, and it has this horrible gurgling sound as it screams at you. A combination of this reddish blood and whatever putrid green liquid is mixing and pouring out of its mouth.
ASHLEY: I move my cloak to–
MATT: Okay, that ends your turn then, right? All right, it’s now their turn. This one is going to shift around, painfully limping to get down and try to bite out towards your legs. This one’s going to move, still in combat with you, and go after– actually no, because you punched it, it’s going to continue after you. This one is going to come after you as well, since you rushed up in its way. So the one coming after Beau. That is going to be a 15.
MATT: Misses. You duck out of the way. The two against you is a 16?
MATT: That hits?
MATT: All right, and a 17. Both hit. So you take, from that first one, six points of piercing damage as it leaps up and actually–
ASHLEY: I have resistance to piercing.
MATT: You’re not raging.
ASHLEY: Oh, you have to be raging?
MATT: Yeah, that’s resistance from the rage. That’s okay.
ASHLEY: Okay, got it.
MATT: You can use a bonus action on your turn to rage if you want to.
ASHLEY: Got it, okay.
MATT: It’s okay. So you take six points of piercing damage. As it bites up and you put your arm in the way and it clamps onto your forearm, it begins tearing. You shove it off and it lands onto the ground, spins, and gets back to its feet. The other one, you take four points of piercing damage. As you shove that one off, the other one leaps onto your back and begins snapping at the back of your neck and shoulders, and you shove it back onto the ground, and it readies itself for another strike as they’re slowly swarming around you. Ending their turn now, Jester, you’re up.
LAURA: Okay. I’m going to run up to the one that just attacked Yasha. Yeah, and I’m going to hit it with my handaxe because I’m not very smart.
MATT: Go for it. This is the one that’s already been punched too, so you rush up with your handaxe and swing. Go and make an attack roll.
TRAVIS: You could flip it blade-up.
LAURA: That definitely hits. That’s 21.
MATT: Yeah, that hits. Go and roll damage.
LAURA: That’s a seven.
MATT: Seven points of damage. The rat that’s face is already broken, even when it managed to bite towards Yasha earlier, it was mostly dragging its top fangs across the side of her forearm as its jaw would not actually snap shut. You finish the blow by taking the axe, swiping down. As you do, you carve into its body and a cloud of poison dissipates from its torso area. I need Yasha, Caleb, and you, Jester, to make constitution saving throws, please.
LAURA: Aw, you see it was like, (strains) no, fuck you.
MATT: Okay. You manage to hold yourself off, not being taken into it a second time.
MATT: Five points of poison damage to you as you accidentally inhale a spray of it into your face, you’re like (gasping).
TRAVIS: It’s in my mouth!
MATT: Five? You also take five points of poison damage.
LAURA: Oh no.
SAM: Tomato juice bath.
TRAVIS: That shit doesn’t work.
TALIESIN: No, it doesn’t help.
MATT: That end your turn, Jester?
LAURA: I think so.
MATT: Okay, so you finish coughing.
LAURA: Wait! Yeah, I don’t want to use that just yet.
MATT: Okay, then Molly, you’re up.
TALIESIN: I see the mess this is making, and I’m going to turn around and I’m holding the sword, but I’m going to punch with the hilt of my sword.
MATT: Go for it. Which one are you going up to, the one that Beau kicked earlier?
TALIESIN: No, the one that attacked Yasha.
MATT: Okay, go for it. Roll a d20 and add your strength bonus.
TALIESIN: Plus my strength, my non-existent strength modifier. That’s a 12 to hit.
MATT: 12 just hits.
TALIESIN: That’s one damage!
MATT: You deal one point of damage to that one. As you reach down and sock it in the head–
TALIESIN: I can take a bonus attack though, and I’m going to hit it again.
MATT: Go for it.
MATT: Well, are you attacking with your–
TALIESIN: Well, I’m using my other hand, since technically I have two attacks, it’s not two–
MATT: You have two attacks with the light weapon on the side, technically. Eh, I’ll allow it. It’s fine, go for it.
TALIESIN: It’s another point of damage.
MATT: Okay, so it takes two points of damage. So now you guys are rat punching. You guys are going through and punching the fuck out of rats.
TRAVIS: Punching the fuck out of rats.
MATT: Repeatedly decking the face–
TRAVIS: Fuck you, you dirty rat.
MATT: Your knuckles are bleeding a little bit. It’s not really enough to damage you, but as you’re punching down, you’re hitting slick oiled fur and jagged points of broken wood and whatever else has jammed itself into its matted fur. But you’ve managed to hit it a couple of times and it’s taken a little bit of damage, but it’s still like (snarls). It looks very cornered and lashing out now. That ends your turn, Molly. Caleb, you’re up.
LIAM: I would like to start backing up towards, in this direction, towards Nott, away.
LAURA: Oh no.
LIAM: Oh no. I would use a Caleb bonus action to dry heave and then I will use my action to cast Fire Bolt towards the rat by Yasha.
MATT: By Yasha, go for it. Roll for the attack.
LIAM: *Ja*. (groans) That it is a– oh no, that’s okay. It’s a 13.
MATT: 13 hits. Go and roll damage on the Fire Bolt. It’s a d10, right?
LIAM: *Ja*, d10. It’s five hit points of damage.
MATT: Five? Between the punches you gave it, that’s enough to finish it.
MATT: As you run back, you finish dry heaving and then release the bolt of fire. It rockets past, the sewer walls light up in succession down, following the streak of flame through. As it impacts, there’s a burst and, what would have been the gas that is released from its body, incinerates from the fire damage and does not affect anyone surrounding it. All righty, finishing Caleb’s turn, that brings us to the top. Nott and Fjord.
LAURA: Are there more rats?
MATT: There is one more over here that’s limping next to Beau.
SAM: Where’s our order?
TRAVIS: It’s down here! It’s rats, we’re not using that shit.
SAM: All right. Nott will go forward next to Caleb and peer around, and fire another crossbow.
MARISHA: Oh no, I got it! God!
SAM: I know! I haven’t been in any gas, I don’t know what’s going on. All I can see is you guys going (yelling) like weirdos. So I’ll fire.
MATT: Go for it.
MARISHA: Aw, too helpful. You’re being *too* helpful!
MATT: 18 hits. Roll damage.
SAM: There’s sneak attack damage too, right?
SAM: That’s a lot. In the teens.
MATT: How do you want to do this?
SAM: I guess I will–
TALIESIN: Way to date yourself right there.
SAM: If there’s a way to pin the rat to the wall, I’ll do that.
MATT: Okay. As you turn around the side of Caleb, putting your second bolt in, spinning around, firing, it strikes the side of it, and where you hit it in the side, there’s this large patch of stretched rat skin where it’s pulled so far that the fur itself is disparate and you can see the peach flesh beneath the fur. As it hits, it (explosion). It’s a combination of force from both the blow of the bolt and the propulsion of the release of gas that sprays right in the direction of Beau. I need you to make another constitution saving throw, please.
TRAVIS: Save. You got it, smash it. You’re rolling the bad dice again.
MARISHA: It rolled a natural one again! Laura, put it in jail.
MATT: That’s okay, you only take one point of poison damage, I rolled really low for that one.
LAURA: It’s really pretty though, what a pretty die.
MARISHA: (whimpering) I know.
MATT: You take one point of poison damage.
LIAM: Everyone’s catching their disease here.
LAURA: Oh no, Matt! Wait, how do we know where we’re going, though? How will we choose?
MATT: I’ll leave this here as a visual aid, sure.
TALIESIN: You worked to make it so nice.
MATT: This is the direction you guys had come in from, so the liquid is traveling down this way, and then down this way, and there is no liquid from the side, and the web that you had destroyed is up in this corner.
LAURA: Okay, we go that way.
MATT: You’re going to go in this direction?
LIAM: Before we move, I am standing with two flickering Calebs next to me and all three of us look at Molly like Jim from The Office and they go away.
LAURA: Oh no, how hurt is everyone?
ASHLEY: I mean, I’m 19 out of 32.
TRAVIS: Oh, yeah.
LAURA: Right? I should do a Cure Wounds on you.
ASHLEY: I’ll take it.
LAURA: Okay. I cast Cure Wounds on Yasha!
LIAM: What were you down to?
LAURA: That’s above your whole–
LIAM: Yeah, that’s my max.
ASHLEY: That’s your max?!
LIAM: Yeah. I’m sitting at 14.
ASHLEY: Well, it’s good I took the hits, you know?
LIAM: Yeah, that’s your job.
LAURA: That’s why I said it. Eight points.
MATT: In comparison to some of the scents you’ve encountered in this conflict, suddenly the rest of the sewer doesn’t smell as bad.
TRAVIS: Yup. Nostrils are burned right the fuck out.
LAURA: Oh. How hurt are you, Beau?
MARISHA: I’m all right. I’m only down five hit points.
LAURA: Oh, okay. Let me know, you guys, because I’ve got lots of healing! Because I’m the cleric.
TALIESIN: Seriously, Caleb, how are you?
LIAM: Ah, you know, I’ve been worse. It’s okay. I’m okay.
TALIESIN: If we hit you really hard, would you still be standing up right now?
LIAM: If who hits me very hard?
TALIESIN: That’s a good question, I hadn’t really thought about that.
LIAM: If she hits me very hard, I am a dead man. If she hits me very hard, I’m probably okay.
SAM: I would never hit you!
LIAM: I know, that’s just– you know, it’s just a–
SAM: I care for you, Caleb.
LIAM: You have a monster on your chest.
ASHLEY: Are you very scared?
LIAM: Generally, are you asking me?
ASHLEY: Just right now?
LIAM: Right now? No, because I am with all of you, and those were just mice.
SAM: I am extremely scared right now, but I think that we killed the monster and we can go back to surface now, right?
ASHLEY: I don’t think that that was the monster.
SAM: That was clearly something down here that’s been killing people.
LAURA: I think something’s making those things like that.
LIAM: The rats are not making webbing. There’s something else.
LAURA: Oh god, what if it’s a giant spider?
LIAM: It’s probably a giant spider.
LAURA: And it’s infecting the rats. (whispering) And they’re turning into poisoned–
SAM: Spiders don’t like rats, do they?
TALIESIN: Rat spiders! Ooh!
ASHLEY: I don’t understand why those rats were–
LAURA: Poison balloons?
ASHLEY: (chuckling) Yes.
SAM: Did you see the one that kind of looked like a dog, though? That was freaky.
TALIESIN: At first, I thought it was some sort of evil gassy dog.
LIAM: Well, I would theorize that perhaps their diet is 20% food and 80% diarrhea, so it’s not very surprising that they explode into fecal matter.
MARISHA: Can I bend down and, covering with my vest a little bit, see if I can search and figure out exactly what these things are made out of?
MATT: Okay. As you push through one of the open wounds from one of the ones that was cut through by either Jester or Fjord. I’d say about a third of the body mass is an assembled shell of refuse. The interior of it appears to be rat or animal-like. General array of organs, though a lot of them have a colorless gray or beige appearance to them, and a lot of them look to be in various stages of necrosis, and there’s a lot of infection inside.
TRAVIS and LAURA: (groaning)
MATT: Yeah, it’s pretty nasty.
MARISHA: Guys, I think these are undead rats.
LAURA: I think they’re full of pus!
TALIESIN: Are they undead rats?
MATT: You can go ahead and make an intelligence check.
TALIESIN: With advantage?
MATT: With advantage.
TALIESIN: All right. Where’s my intelligence– there we are. That’s a– no, that’s a nine.
TALIESIN, TRAVIS, LAURA, and ASHLEY: Nein!
LIAM: You could just say nine.
MATT: You would know enough, from the knowledge that you have, that while there is necrosis in there, it doesn’t look like its fully in there. These things are–
TALIESIN: Mostly undead?
MATT: Or at least, they were alive up until a moment ago. These infections, when they continued for a period of time, probably not for long.
MARISHA: Zombie rats?!
LAURA: Just really infected rats
LIAM: No, they had pinkeye in all their parts.
TRAVIS: You know this really isn’t what we need. This is only the appetizer, maybe we should try to find the main course.
LAURA: We should keep going. Should we be more sneaky, or should we just walk?
ASHLEY: Yeah, maybe we should be sneaky.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I think stealth would be a good idea.
TALIESIN: Let’s be sneaky.
TRAVIS: To the right.
MATT: To the right, okay. You do get a glance with your torchlight, Yasha, as you glance up the path across the way, and the path that curves around the side, and you do see a few other similar collections. Though not moving, or not reacting to the vicinity of where you are. Even glancing at the ones who were fighting you, you can see upon closer look that their eyes are snowblind, or infected to the point where they were very nearsighted, or close to blind. The patches in the distance you can see aren’t reacting you your presence.
LAURA: We could set them on fire from a distance.
TRAVIS: Or just don’t disturb them.
LAURA: Yeah, but what if they all spring up. We could just set them on fire.
SAM: Are we going that way?
MATT: No, you’re going that way.
SAM: We’re going a different way.
LAURA: Okay then, let them live, and die in horrible pain.
MATT: (laughs) I’d like you to all roll stealth checks, please.
SAM: Stealth checks! Can you help someone there, Jester?
LAURA: Oh yeah, here you go!
SAM: Not me, I don’t need it.
LAURA: Who is the most noisy of us all? Which one of you fuckers needs some help?
ASHLEY: I rolled shit for stealth, so it wouldn’t do me any good.
LAURA: Well here, take an advantage.
MATT: I let it happen. Usually you have to give that before they roll so you don’t know.
LAURA: Just kidding.
ASHLEY: Should I take up the rear?
LIAM: You’re coming back after a break.
MATT: It’s fine.
MATT: 15 is better.
LAURA: Hold on, I have to check–
SAM: Ten. Not so good.
LAURA: Eight. Not so good.
MARISHA and TRAVIS: 18.
MATT: Okay. As you guys continue down the right pathway, you continue further and find the clusters of makeshift bits of discarded material begin to give way as about 20 feet ahead of you, the torchlight begins to refract and reflect against some sort of soft material that is drifting and enclosing a portion of the walkway. You see ahead of you a majority of the tunnel is currently blocked, other than a small path on the right side of it, by a dense webbing of some kind.
LAURA: Let’s set it on fire!
MATT: You see a large knot, or a– not a Nott, a knot of webbing as well, that is held aloft a foot off the ground
MARISHA: It’s the egg sack
SAM: Or a body.
LAURA: Or it could be somebody that’s being slowly sucked dry of all their blood.
MARISHA: You’re totally right.
LAURA: Should we set it on fire, or should we see if it’s living?
TALIESIN: I think we should try to cut it down in case it’s a person.
LAURA: Is it wiggling at all?
MATT: Make a perception check.
MATT: 15? It does not appear to be moving.
LAURA: I think it’s dead.
SAM: You think it’s dead?
LAURA: Or it’s sedated.
ASHLEY: What if we (blows air)?
SAM: Should we go try to cut it down? Without alerting them.
TRAVIS: You normally touch a spider’s web, they come running.
MARISHA: That’s true.
LIAM: I have read a lot of books. Lots of them. Have I ever read anything about the science of larger insectoid creatures?
MATT: Possibly insectoids. This would not be, technically, an insect.
LIAM: Okay, but it’s not familiar to me?
MATT: I mean, it’s webbing. There are many creatures in nature that use webbing in different forms and types.
LIAM: Like YouTubers.
MATT: Yes, there’s that too. Glancing at this, the mass that is encased in the webbing is about this big.
LAURA: It’s a dog
MATT: It’s about dog-sized.
TALIESIN: Or a rat.
ASHLEY: Is it close enough to us?
MATT: It’s about 20 feet ahead of you.
TRAVIS: Can we see a past that into any further clumps of webbing?
MATT: Make a perception check with disadvantage, because it does go beyond the torch threshold.
MARISHA: It doesn’t appear to be human-sized.
MATT: That one does not, no.
MARISHA: That one does not.
MATT: Looking past, you can see layers of webbing continue for about, what you can see, 20 feet beyond that. It looks to be an even heavier wall of it behind that completely blocks continued access into that chamber. You can see two other much larger clusters of webbing that are wrapped around something.
ASHLEY: Are we able to get to this lump?
MATT: You can get to it, yeah.
ASHLEY: Or do we have to go through some of the web?
MATT: There’s bits of it that are drifting below. You see that it does shift every now and then. It looks like there’s some sort of a breeze coming through, faint as it is. That’s why, from the webbing that is currently held aloft between the ceiling and the floor and the left wall, from your perspective, the first one you see, every now and then you see it faintly shift, as if a breeze or water moves through.
TRAVIS: Do we have to break any of the planes of webbing to get to this cluster?
MATT: To get to this one? No.
LAURA: Let’s cut it down.
ASHLEY: Maybe we can look at it up closer?
MATT: You can.
TALIESIN: I’m going to try to very gently, maybe, with everyone’s permission I’m going to gently start cutting into the bottom of it, not too deeply.
SAM: Wait! Should we get ready for some sort of distraction or to do something to the other web first?
TALIESIN: I’m sorry, do you have a plan?
SAM: No, no, I just–
TALIESIN: Well, all right then. I keep moving downward.
MATT: Okay, is this the one with your activated rite?
MATT: And the rite you activated was?
TALIESIN: It was the radiant rite.
MATT: The Rite of the Dawn. As his scimitar, which is now glowing with this faint radiant light energy, it almost burns though as you carve through. Slowly, it’s not an easy cut, but you do carve through. As you do, the webbing begins to curl back and blacken at the edges. As it pulls away, you see something furry and fleshy. As you pull it back a few more inches, you watch as a rat head, lolls out, a tongue falling out the side. It looks to be dry, it looks to be bereft of any sort of internal liquid or life.
LAURA: That’s good to know. That means the human-sized ones are probably fucked up too.
ASHLEY: Yeah, that’s probably true.
TALIESIN: Or they haven’t been eaten yet.
LAURA: How long ago did they say the guards went down and didn’t come back?
TRAVIS: Quite a while, but I’ll remind you that our mission is not to retrieve any guards. It’s to kill this beast.
LIAM: If we kill the beasts that are down here, then it might be worthwhile to also check the bodies of the guards, you know, because they’re not going back to the to their families, you following me?
TRAVIS: That was dark and angry.
SAM: Steal from the dead bodies?
LIAM: Well, they’re not going to use it.
SAM: I agree. Yeah.
TALIESIN: I’ll work with that.
TRAVIS: Shall we move forward to the first plane of webbing that would hinder our movement?
LIAM: Just a suggestion, we don’t have to do this, I’m not even sure how I feel about it, but I have just learned how to create a somewhat spectral servant to me, one that is unseen. I could send it in to poke about and if anything is going to happen, it could happen to it first, instead of us.
SAM: I like that idea.
TRAVIS: Does it interact with the environment?
LIAM: Yeah, it could poke at things and you know.
MARISHA: Would it move the webbing as it went through?
TRAVIS: What do we like more? Poking the webbing, or sending it up in flame?
MARISHA: I agree with Fjord. I think we start poking around, that thing’s going to come running.
TRAVIS: Might as well–
SAM: But then we’ll get to see it, and get the drop on it.
LIAM: If you burn its web it will do the same thing.
LAURA: Yeah. What if we back up and burn it?
TRAVIS: My way of thinking is what if that web is sticky as *shit*. I don’t want to get caught in it.
LAURA: That’s why I said; why don’t we back up and burn it?
LIAM: I think that’s actually a very good idea.
TALIESIN: Let’s try and not set fire to the human shaped things.
SAM: Yeah. What if they’re still alive?
LAURA: Well, Caleb, how about you send your spectral servant to poke at the little masses of human and see if they start wiggling?
LIAM: Okay. Also, I will say that, you were worried about burning their dead bodies. But if we burn the dead bodies they might burn, we’re not going to help them, but if any coin have, or any items that are magical in nature will be fine. So it’s okay.
SAM: Oh, yeah, that’s good.
ASHLEY: The thing is, if we kill them, I mean, we’re putting them out of their misery. You know.
LAURA: They’ll probably end up as giant puss sacks if they survive.
ASHLEY: Yeah, they’re probably already–
SAM: Or maybe they *just* were wrapped up five minutes ago, and they’re totally fine.
LIAM: Yeah, that’s possible. This thing that I can do, this servant that I can make, It’s not going to be able to open these things. It’s very weak.
LAURA: I said poke it. Then if they wiggle, then we know that they’re alive.
LIAM: That’s true.
TRAVIS: How about a poke and then a flame?
TALIESIN: Poke and wiggle. Then a flame.
ASHLEY: I think if they start moving, this thing’s going to–
TALIESIN: Well, it knows that they’re alive—
ASHLEY: But then we’ll get eyes on it.
TALIESIN: So I’m sure they wiggle every now and then anyway.
TRAVIS: That way Nott doesn’t have bad dreams that we burn some people that are still alive and then we can set it all on fire.
SAM: I don’t want to burn the living–
MARISHA: Oh, no, that was Caleb who was freaked out by fire.
TRAVIS: Oh, right.
LAURA: Do it, Caleb!
LIAM: I pull a stick out of my coat, and I hold it between thumb and pinky like this, and there’s a string wrapped around it, and I take my fingers, and I pull along the string, which begins to glow a faint gold glow, and a being, same height, and about same skinny-ass proportions as myself appears before me.
MATT: Well, it does not appear.
LIAM: It doesn’t appear? You tell me, because you’re the dungeon master.
MATT: It’s unseen, but you sense its presence arrive.
LAURA: It’s unseen.
ASHLEY: Oh, that’s what that means.
MATT: On the dry, dust-covered floor of this interior part of the sewer, where the temperature has dropped and is a little less humid in this area, there are two small plumes of dust on the ground and you sense the servant has arrived.
LAURA: I go up and I push it.
MATT: Okay, you put your hand forward and it’s like hitting the back of someone’s back, but there’s nothing there and it catches you off guard, you’re like “What the heck?” It feels somewhat amorphous, like a heavy wind pushback for a second, but there’s no wind and there’s no whipping of force around your arm. It’s very strange.
LAURA: I think your unseen servant farted on me.
LIAM: Well the rats have already started. So Schmidt, I want you to go to these larger bundles and give them a little pokey-poo.
MATT: All right, Schmidt goes past–
MATT: You sense this– the first webbing barricade which has a small five-foot space between it and the wall, to the next one, the one that you saw, which encompasses the entirety of this wall. There are small one-foot wide sections of it along the upper part of the wall where there’s a gap, but most of it is pure web across. There are two of them there and are you getting close with the torch to reveal it? Otherwise it’s going to be beyond the torch light, it’s going to be very dim and hard to see the details.
ASHLEY: Yeah, I’ll follow as far back as I can.
LIAM: I have to stay within 60 feet of Schmidt.
MATT: Right, so the two of you approach the first barrier to see the second. As Schmidt approaches the second barrier, one of the masses, which does appear to be humanoid in size, shakes slightly, doesn’t react. The other one shakes slightly, and you watch as an arm limply falls from the side of it, some webbing tearing, as it does you hear a metal sword clang to the ground. You see a bracer that once belonged to a crownsguard.
LIAM: (whispers) Schmidt, bring me the bracer.
MATT: The bracer (whoosh) and drifts on its own in your direction.
LAURA: I wonder if the giant spider thing heard that.
MARISHA: Yeah, probably.
LIAM: What did you say? I did not understand your accent.
LAURA: (loudly) I said I wonder if the giant–
SAM: She wonders if the giant spider heard it.
LIAM: Yeah, we all wonder that.
TRAVIS: So they’re dead, huh?
LIAM: Well, not moving.
LAURA: Burn that shit then the spider will come and we will burn that shit too!
ASHLEY: How close am I to one of the human form ones?
MATT: You’re about ten feet from it.
TALIESIN: They look pretty dead, don’t they?
MATT: They look pretty dead, they’re ten to 15 feet from you.
ASHLEY: I mean this is the firestarter over here.
MARISHA: Let’s burn it.
LIAM: I can do it from a distance, yeah.
SAM: Should we get into some sort of position so we’re not all clumped together?
MATT: Yeah, do you have any specific order you want to maintain here?
TRAVIS: How about four on one side and three on the other of the tunnel?
TALIESIN: That’ll do.
ASHLEY: Caleb, do you want to stand behind me and little peeksies from behind?
LIAM: I would like to stand behind everybody.
TRAVIS: I’ll take the front of the other side of Yasha, since I’ve got some armor.
LAURA: I’ll stand behind Fjord.
MATT: All right.
MARISHA: I guess I’ll go with team Caleb/Yasha.
TRAVIS: Wow. Fucking betrayal. Okay.
MATT: All right, Caleb, Yasha and Beau–
MARISHA: I’m trying to split up evenly!
MATT: Is it Molly and Fjord at the front of the other group?
SAM: I’ll go behind Caleb.
MATT: Okay, so Nott goes behind Caleb and then we have Fjord and Molly on the other side with Jester behind them.
TALIESIN: Yep. Little bit of magic on both sides, little bit of tank.
MATT: Okay. You move around that barrier and get to the next ten to 15 feet up where there is the next larger barrier of webbing and the two unmoving humanoid forms wrapped up there.
LIAM: I can do this from 120 feet away, once every six seconds I’m going to use Fire Bolt. I would go (whoosh whoosh) and hit them both.
MATT: Okay. They both impact and the bodies shift, there’s a burst of flame. Some of the webbing ignites and burns and curls away, but it looks like the flame is so instantaneous it’s not enough to immediately ignite the webbing. There is a burnt mark on them and neither of the forms move or react to the impact and the web shifts and shakes for a moment before it eventually comes to rest again.
LIAM: Just as a test, to the one on the right I do it again.
MATT: Okay, you do it a second time. It burns a little more, as the webbing burns away in that section you can see the crownsguard armor chestplate that is now a little bit charred beneath the impact.
LIAM: Okay, well, he’s dead. Should I just keep chipping away?
MARISHA: You still have your torch, yeah?
ASHLEY: Yeah. I’ll help. Are we moving forward or we’re still–?
MATT: They’re all still in the back, but you can move forward if you want to move forward.
LIAM: Well, this is every six seconds so I could just stand here for a minute going (whoosh whoosh whoosh) and not get close.
TRAVIS: Hey Nott, will you do me a favor and make sure nothing sneaks up behind us?
SAM: There’s things behind us, too?
TRAVIS: Could be.
LIAM: So I guess I’ll take the next 30 or 40 seconds, if that’s what it takes. I’ll focus on one and just keep burning it away.
SAM: I’m going to go 15 feet behind us.
MATT: Okay, you shift yourself 15 feet behind. Make a perception check so you can watch. With disadvantage because, unfortunately, you’re away from the torch light to do so.
SAM: That’s a one.
MATT: So you’re keeping watch.
MATT: As one after the other the webbing is shaking and shifting. Eventually, after four or five blasts the web begins to catch fire and you watch as the red and orange flames expand and begin to immolate both the unmoving bodies. The webbing then burns away and eventually begins to detach from the weight and the loss of tensile strength and that whole wall shifts and collapses to the ground, both of the bodies hit the ground. The webbing burns away, it’s not enough to catch the bodies on fire, though it does singe and burn the exterior and as you look they’re both in various states of decay. The skin you can see, as you approach a little bit, Yasha, to take a look, the cheeks within their helmeted heads are sunken and sallow. The lips are curled back over the teeth. They are drained of any internal life force or blood.
ASHLEY: Can I poke around with the tip of my sword and see if there’s any money or something in their pockets?
MATT: Make an investigation check.
LIAM: (singing) We are the worst. We are the worst.
TALIESIN: He’s not using it.
MATT: Prodding around, yeah, there is. From just a glance, they both have coin purses on their belts, folded into their belt, as a protective measure. They both look like they were caught in a state where they’d be willing to travel anywhere and spend money.
ASHLEY: I’ll take them.
MATT: Okay, you being to pull from their bodies, what are the rest of you guys doing?
LAURA: We could take their weapons, I bet they’re nice weapons. Or we could return them to the Crownsguard, maybe they would reward us?
TALIESIN and MARISHA: Do they have a dog tag?
MATT: Glancing about as you inspect the bodies, there’s no identifying tag to them. There isn’t an elaborate system of maintaining Crownsguard members or identifying that you’ve noticed at least.
TRAVIS: Can I search for puncture marks? Stab wounds? Bite marks?
MATT: Make a medicine check.
LAURA: Can I take their helmets and put them in my pink bag?
MATT: Sure, easy enough to do.
LAURA: What about their weapons? Do they have any?
MATT: They do. They both are carrying a longsword. They’re well kept, not used. You look along the blade and there are barely any signs of indentation.
LAURA: Does it say anywhere “Property of the Crownsguard?”
MATT: No, but they are uniform design. They’re not elaborate or ornamental. The Crownsguard weaponry are all pretty much designed or provided by a similar blacksmithy technique so they all feel like they’re uniform to a certain degree.
TRAVIS: Ten on the medicine check.
MATT: That’s enough. It’s not too hard to see. As you look over each of the two bodies, both of them have heavy puncture marks, either right in the back of the neck on one of them, or the other one has it right under the front of the chin. The puncture marks are about that wide, about two inches across on each side where the skin and flesh has bubbled and pushed away from the side and they go very deep in.
TRAVIS: So big fangs. Probably fucking pincers. You know (clicking). Yeah. So watch your shit.
LIAM: Caleb stands still for a second and looks around. Do I hear anything?
MATT: Make a perception check.
LIAM: Oh, in my sleeve. Oh, that’s a one. So I don’t hear anything.
TRAVIS: How’s the ground that we’re standing on now?
MATT: There would have been some general webbing towards the base of this, but you’ve burned away that central area. As you step forward, you look beyond where that burning mark is and there is a stark left turn. It curves to the left and looking around the side it curves again to the right, maybe 20 feet beyond that and you see another webbing barrier where there looks to be three different figures. You see now there is another figure that is not part of the webbing barrier but is just webbed to the wall right next to it.
TRAVIS: But the stone is unim–
MATT: Unimpeded to the point it would be an issue.
TRAVIS: Not tacky.
MATT: No, you feel a little bit of stickiness when you step around from general fallen bits of stray webbing strands and such, but nothing that would impede your movement.
LAURA: How is it to try to chop through it with the axe?
MATT: You can go try to either the one behind you or the one ahead.
LAURA: Yeah, I want to try doing it and see if it sticks to the weapon or if it cuts through.
MATT: To the one ahead?
MATT: Okay. You come forth to the web there in front of you to where the two other figures that are massed there. They are both humanoid and you now look over at a close glance as a third one, small, looks to be another one of the rat creatures that is caught in there. You carve through. Go ahead and make an attack roll. Roll damage for the handaxe.
MATT: Seven, okay. You carve through and a large part tears through before your handaxe stops and you’re like (grunts) can’t push any more. You try and pull back and as you do, you pull your arm back and it gets ripped from your grasp and it’s now stuck and folded, and your handaxe is now wobbling in the web.
TALIESIN: I’m going to very gently cut her handaxe out with my radiant sword.
MATT: Okay. You begin to carve around it and pull it out, and you eventually get it free but now there’s a cluster of webbing around it almost like the world’s worst cotton candy. It’s wrapped around the center of it, but it’s sticky.
TRAVIS: The worst kind of candy.
TALIESIN: Don’t eat it!
LIAM: Jester, put it on the ground and take ten steps back away from it.
LAURA: (metal plink)
MATT: (metal plinks) The metal hits the ground and makes a bit of a sound.
LAURA: Except it’s covered in webbing so not as much sound.
MATT: No, but the metal still hits the ground.
MATT: You watch as the flames burn around it and free it. It lights up the vicinity a little bit. There’s that wedge opening where you’ve cut in that webbing barrier and behind it you can see the entire floor of the next portion appears to have some sort of webbing layer around it and all the walls are covered in it. Across the way you can see rungs and the end of this portion of the drainage that leads up into where you can see the wind would be coming through, and that faint bit of wind that’s pushing through that’s causing all the webs to shift is coming from what you can barely make out to be the faint bits of sunset light peeking through another exit. A sewage exit just like the one that you came in. You also see a number of other figures that are all webbed to the walls and encased within there.
TALIESIN: All of the ones webbed to the walls are just as emaciated and dead?
MATT: Make a perception check.
LAURA: Can I get my handaxe back?
MATT: You can, yeah.
LAURA: Thanks, Caleb.
MATT: You glance past in the distance. It’s too hard to see, unfortunately, because the torchlight is too far away.
ASHLEY: How close are we to those now?
MATT: Well, you’re at the second web wall. That’s about 25, 30 feet from you so it’s beyond the torchlight of where you’re standing.
LAURA: It’s a dead end past all of this? It’s a dead end and just goes up?
MATT: It looks like it. It goes to a dead end, but it’s all covered in webbing.
LAURA: It’s got to be around here somewhere, right?
ASHLEY: Or it’s behind us and waiting until we get in its room.
SAM: It’s not behind us!
TALIESIN: I’m going to start trying to cut down, find the points of the web wall where it’s being held together and cut any of the web.
SAM: Nothing back here!
MATT: Because of your rite, you manage to carve through and you watch as the second web wall comes and folds to the end. The bodies that are encased in it hitting the ground with heavy thuds. You can see the other bodies that are webbed to the walls around. On the inside, you can see the end of this. It is a giant web nest.
LIAM: If we deem it safe, maybe someone could look out this other exit because, probably, something is down here with us, but mayhaps above the grate, this thing lives in a house perhaps. I don’t know, I’m spitballing.
TRAVIS: Or if we go up to the grate, and try and get someone to open the hatch in case we need to beat a speedy retreat.
LIAM: That is also good. That is two reasons to do it.
LAURA: Should I go up?
TRAVIS: Yeah, do it.
TRAVIS: Give her the writ of law thing.
LAURA: Is it blocked in and webby all along the ground?
MATT: As you walk past, the ground itself is sticky. You can still move, but you’re hindered somewhat having to like pull through and it tugs at your feet. You guys watch as webbing tears and builds on the bottom of her boots as she walks in.
LAURA: I stop walking.
MATT: Okay. You stop and look and you can see the faint outline of bodies that are webbed to the wall. Parts of the faces that are revealed that are gray and lifeless, drained. On the far wall, you see a large cluster of webbing. It looks like a mass of three or four bodies jammed together and you see one body that’s right next to where the rungs are that is not as webbed as the others, and there is color to the skin. You see elements of a humanoid face. A halfling, it looks to be. About halfling sized. It is about a foot up off the ground, webbed to the wall, one arm is drifting out and part of the face and unconscious, but is not gray and dead like the others. And that’s where we’re going to take a break.
SAM: Wait, no! But that’s a person!
MATT: I know. We’ll come back on that. It’s because I want to make sure we all get to the bathroom, including myself. I have to pee like a fucking racehorse. So yeah. We’ll pick up on the reveal of this non-dead body.
LAURA: I don’t like it either.
ASHLEY: You went to no’s like, “No no no.”
MATT: We’ll be back here in a few minutes. First and foremost, we have our Wyrmwood giveaway, which we’ve worked through some of the stuff. Yeah, giveaways and laws are weird. I apologize for the heads up, but as part of this Wyrmwood giveaway, you need to be in the Twitch chat to participate. I apologize.
ALL: I apologize.
MATT: We’re fans of Deadwood, if you couldn’t tell. Right now, the offer is only for residents of the United States and Canada, excluding Quebec, because of laws. We’re trying to figure out how to expand that, but that’s where we are at the moment, so I apologize if you’re not a part of that. I’m so sorry. We have no way to get around it, but we’re working on it. For the official rules, you can follow the link in chat. It should be available to you. Tonight’s prize is the Purple Heart Adventurer’s Arsenal, which you may recognize as the wood that Scanlan had in the last campaign. In case you haven’t seen what these arsenals are, it’s a dice box as well as a great interior. You can keep your dice, your pen, minis or erasers, anything else you want to keep in there. They’re pretty badass. So we have that. The contest has officially started, so all you have to do is go into Twitch chat. Tonight’s code is sewers. The plural. Sewers.
TRAVIS: Is there an A in that?
MATT: No. But yes, that’s the keyword. Only enter it once in chat because entering it more than once will disqualify you. Good luck, everyone. We’ll announce the winner when we come back from the break. We’ll be contacting the winners after the break so make sure you keep an eye on your whispers. We’ll see you guys back here in a few minutes.
MATT: And welcome back. First and foremost, we know that some folks are having problems or issues with the D&D Beyond discount code, which I think was “InvisibleWand.” They’re working on it at D&D Beyond, but don’t worry, the code will be active for a while. Look for updates or keep trying. They’re working on that. Also, we have our winner of our fantastic Wyrmwood giveaway. Congratulations to scopewar. Scopewar, you are the winner. We’ll get that out to you, so well done. Bringing us back in. You guys had just noticed the furthest element of this segment of the sewer, where the webbing had become far more apparent. You had discovered a few bodies that came over. You had carved through one wall and caused that to fall off to the side, and leading to the very end of it, you saw an ascension that went to another exit grate into the city. A number of bodies, one large webbed mass of a few bodies and one individual that looked to be still alive, though unconscious and webbed against the wall.
LAURA: Is he reachable?
MATT: From you right now, he’s about 20 feet ahead of you.
LAURA: (whispered) He’s still 20 feet away from me. You guys! Hey fuckers!
LAURA: I’m a little worried about walking any further because my feet are starting to stick to the ground, like a lot. But there’s a halfling stuck to the wall over here and I don’t think he’s dead.
MARISHA: Okay. You stay there with the halfling. I might be able to negotiate my way a little further.
LIAM: Is Jester right up with the halfling?
LAURA: No, I’m 20 feet away from it.
TRAVIS: If you had to ballpark the distance to the halfling or to the very end of it?
MATT: From you guys all together, it’s about 25 feet, 30 feet. Jester is a little bit closer.
SAM: All clear in the back!
TALIESIN: I’d forgotten.
TRAVIS: I am going to join Nott at the back and keep an eye on the rear.
SAM: No need!
MATT: Make a perception check.
MARISHA: Oh, jeez Louise.
MATT: Okay, Fjord you shift around to join Nott in the back and you guys look off in that distance. You see nothing in the darkness behind you. Who else is doing what?
LIAM: I am going to walk up to Jester and stand next to her and then I am going to send Schmidt forward to this halfling to try to maybe lift up his, its, I can’t tell you. The chin of this halfling.
MARISHA: I’m going to also move forward next to Caleb.
MATT: You move forward next to Caleb as well. You guys are finding your feet sticking to the material of the floor webbing. You approach. You watch as the head of this halfling is pulled away from some of the webbing and lifted up. It is male. Actually, because you’re still with Yasha in the back, make a perception check both of you.
LIAM: Well if I can’t see–
MATT: It’s low light beyond that so make a perception check with disadvantage.
MARISHA: I’ve got dope goggles, though.
LIAM: Oh, well okay.
MATT: You can make a straight perception check if you’d like.
LIAM: Well I would say if I can’t see, if I knew I can’t see, if I were really in this place instead of sitting as this table.
MATT: You can if Yasha comes closer, but Yasha has the only source of light.
LIAM: If I couldn’t see coming up, I would go (poofing) and send out Dancing Lights.
MARISHA: Natural 20.
LIAM: There you go.
MATT: The Dancing Lights appear in the air and begin to drift in help fill out the area, your torch light still being this larger beacon of flame light in the space. Beau, you glance ahead and can see as the chin is lifted, a thick band of tattoos–
MARISHA: I think these goggles are like polarized. It’s real cool. He’s got a thick band of tattoos, sorry.
MATT: A thick band of tattoos that completely encompasses the neck to the point where what’s exposed from beneath it’s like black shapes and designs completely around.
MARISHA: Of the halfling?
MATT: Of the halfling, yeah.
MARISHA: Do they look old or like a fresher tattoo?
MATT: Did you roll a natural 20?
MARISHA: I did roll a natural 20.
MATT: Your amazing monk-like sight, they’re not fresh.
MARISHA: Do I see puncture wounds?
MATT: You do not.
MATT: Also, there’s this weird sense that creeps on Nott and Fjord as you’re glancing forward and you both turn over your shoulder to see a massive pale white and blue arachnid creature, legs spindling outward, at a width of ten feet or more. Giant dripping fangs and beady red eyes, a row of them glaring right at you as this (hiss) pincers open up.
LAURA: How close is it to you guys?
MATT: It’s right behind Fjord and Nott and it is striking you, Fjord, as its first strike.
SAM: It snuck up on us?
ASHLEY: Wait, so it’s behind?
MATT: It’s literally here!
ASHLEY: Was it on the ceiling the whole time?
MATT: That is going to be a 23 to hit.
TRAVIS: Against my 14? Yeah!
LIAM: While this death is happening, Caleb is Schmidt go like this to the halfling. Caleb’s going, “Hey guy, hey hey hey.”
MATT: You suffer seven points of piercing damage, as its fangs snap right into your chest area. Do you still have ice armor on?
TRAVIS: I do, so he takes ten points of damage. The armor is gone.
MATT: I also need you to make a constitution saving throw.
LAURA: Oh no!
TRAVIS: Shit! 17.
MATT: You feel venom pulse into your body. Your physicality, however, being somewhat sturdy, manages to resist a large element of the poison that is suddenly thrust into your torso. You take– that’s a terrible roll. You take five points of poison damage. Nott, you look up and see this thing as it digs its giant pincers and fangs into Fjord’s body and it pulls back and you watch it vanish and disappear.
MATT: I need you all to roll initiative.
LAURA: It’s an invisible spider!
TALIESIN: To be fair, invisible spiders are the best spiders because you can’t– hey, look at that!
TRAVIS: Oh, look at the webs!
MARISHA: Why are we invisible? Oh.
LAURA: We’re not invisible, those are dead people! I see dead people.
TRAVIS: Invisible shit ass bitch! Nipples on a horse!
MATT: The last place you saw it was there before it disappeared.
LAURA: Where before it disappeared?
MATT: Right there.
LAURA: Wait, why are all the other things invisible? Does that mean those are other things that are going to attack us?
MATT: These are all the bodies that have been webbed up. Initiative order for you guys, please. 25 to 20.
MARISHA: Oh goddamn it, he has it this whole time.
MATT: All right, Jester’s up front at 22. 20 to 15, guys.
LIAM: 15! *Fünfzehn*.
TRAVIS: I have 15, as well. Nobody has higher than a 15?
LAURA: I had a 22.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I mean besides Jester.
MATT: All righty, that was ten to 15? Ten to five.
MARISHA: I’m sorry. Then ten to 15. I’m 13.
TALIESIN: I’m 13.
TRAVIS: You’re both 13?
MATT: Beau and Molly. All righty, and ten to five?
ASHLEY: Eight! Oh, seven, I’m sorry.
TRAVIS: Good, separated from everybody.
LAURA: Man, you always have the shittiest initiative!
ASHLEY: So do I.
LAURA: Yeah, why do you guys always have bad initiative?
SAM: Because we save it for when it really counts!
MATT: That’s true.
MATT: The top of this round. Jester, you’re up first.
LAURA: I’m up first! Okay, did I hear it happen to Fjord? Did I hear anything?
MATT: No. Well, you hear like the reaction of pain, and you glance over just in time to see this large, monstrous spider body vanish in place.
LAURA: Oh no!
SAM: I’m probably screaming.
MATT: Nott is just–
LAURA: I cast Spiritual Weapon, a giant purple lollipop! Oh no. I’ve got some, but you have one too, don’t you?
TALIESIN: We have a couple around.
MATT: Oh, do you have one there?
LAURA: No, you have the one. Don’t you have the one?
SAM: You have a one with the stand.
LAURA: That Brittany made?
MATT: Yes, but it appears to have been moved since they used the table last time. Oh well.
LAURA: Somebody took a picture of it then disappeared it?
MATT: It might have happened, yeah.
LAURA: I make a giant teal lollipop instead! Here you go.
MATT: Where shall we place this?
LAURA: Directly overhead of where the spider disappeared.
MATT: Okay, we’ll put it there. It worries me that I get to unveil that and it’s not around.
MARISHA: Does anyone know where the lollipop is?
MATT: It’s fine. Jester, you use that as your bonus action to cast. What are you using your action for?
LAURA: I’m going to, oh god, cast Sacred Flame on the place that it was at. Can I do that?
MATT: Sacred Flame is a cantrip?
MATT: You can, sure.
LAURA: On the place that I saw it.
MATT: Okay, you watch as the large lollipop apparates in that space and you cast Sacred Flame. It has no target to effect.
LAURA: It’s not invisible guys, it’s gone.
TRAVIS: Nothing happens?
MATT: No, there’s no burst of flame. The spell has no target.
LAURA: I’m going to back up against– oh no, if I back against a wall, it’s sticky, isn’t it?
MATT: The space, all this area here, where the webbing starts is considered rough terrain to move through. So your speed is halved moving through that area.
LAURA: I’m going to take a couple steps, if I can, like up on those rocks next to Yasha is it? Yeah.
TALIESIN: We should probably clump together.
MATT: Okay. So you back up onto the rocks and start pulling your feet out of the webbing as you do. That ends your turn?
MATT: Ending Jester’s turn. Caleb and Fjord, you guys are up.
LIAM: Can I get either inside or behind that crate that’s in the corner with difficult terrain?
MATT: I can say you can start to get into it. It doesn’t offer you any cover at the moment, but you’re in it right now.
LIAM: Okay, for an action, I am going to cast the Blur spell on myself again *und* I will use my bonus action to have Schmidt come. I’m assuming he’s not affected by webs?
MATT: He doesn’t seem to be.
LIAM: Well then I will summon him to stand above me on the box.
CALEB: So I’m blurry and there’s an invisible guy right above me.
MATT: Ending Caleb’s turn. You are currently blurring and shifting.
TRAVIS: Okay, can I spin back after getting fucking bit by a goddamn spider, and can I back up 20. Does that cause anything to hit me?
TRAVIS: Cool. I don’t see nothing, right?
MATT: Currently, no.
TRAVIS: Nice. Can I fire Eldritch Blast in the direction that I saw it?
MATT: You can.
MATT: Make a main attack roll.
MATT: (poof) It hits the stone wall behind it. It’s not there.
TRAVIS: It moved!
MATT: You get the sense that it’s not apparently there.
TRAVIS: I need to see it to do anything else. All right.
MATT: That ends your turn. That brings us to– all right.
MARISHA: The spider is in between Fjord and Beau.
LAURA: The spider is in between Fjord and Beau. I thought Travis would make the note, but he’s not.
SAM: He’s busy.
MATT: There is a moment, Fjord, as you back up after releasing your Eldritch Blast where it impacts the wall and you’re like, “Shit.” You hear this (whoosh) sound and look your right and it appears right next to you.
TRAVIS: Oh fuck!
ASHLEY: Well, he’s not invisible anymore.
MATT: It lunges out towards you again. Shit, that’s another 23. Two 19s in a row.
TRAVIS: Yeah, I mean, you don’t need me to tell you it hits.
MATT: That is eight points of piercing damage, and I need you to make a constitution saving throw.
MARISHA: How many?
TRAVIS: Okay, constitution saving throw. Oh, that’s an eight.
TALIESIN: That’s a lot of dice.
MATT: All right, you take 15 points of poison damage.
SAM: That’s all of the poison damage.
TRAVIS: I’m unconscious. No! Relentless Endurance! The thing, I got the thing! It’s called Relentless Endurance! I come back to one hit point!
LAURA: It’s Relentless!
TRAVIS: Sorry, I’m half dead.
MATT: As the fangs dig into the side of your torso, you pull back and try and defend yourself and it pierces your leather armor in your torso. It releases a huge burst of venom into your chest. You feel your lungs and heart seize for a moment and you almost fall back. That burning orcish rage from underneath gives you that last bit of inspiration to shrug off the poison and look back angrily and realize you are in deep shit.
TRAVIS: Oh fuck.
LIAM: There you go, Freemasons. He’s actually a half orc.
MATT: All righty, that ends its turn. That brings us to Beau and Molly.
MARISHA: Do you want to go first?
TALIESIN: You can go first.
MARISHA: Is there a way I can hop over the web situation?
MATT: Is it bothering you?
MATT: It’s been bothering you this whole time?
MARISHA: It was bothering me this whole time, too! I meant to fix it in the break.
MATT: Laura Bailey, the kind of friend that tells you when you have a booger in your nose. I really appreciate it.
MARISHA: Can I jump this gap where Molly is and avoid the webbing?
MATT: You can certainly try. Go ahead and make an athletics check. You are standing in webbing, so it’s being able to–
MARISHA: Natural 20.
MATT: I will say yes! I will give you the ability to leap through and land off to this side using your movement and avoid that ten feet and still manage to free yourself from the webbing. So that was 15 feet of your movement used to leap.
MARISHA: So I have 25 more feet?
MARISHA: How close can I get to the spider?
MATT: Let’s give it a shot.
LIAM: I mean, Beau is pretty fucking amazing in combat.
MATT: 25! You’re not quite close enough.
MARISHA: I don’t have any reach with my stick.
MATT: No, you have whatever monk abilities that you have. You have eyes on it at the moment, yes.
MARISHA: I will hold. I will take dodge action.
MATT: You start defending yourself, preparing for its onslaught. That brings me to Molly’s turn.
TALIESIN: I’m going to head towards the spider, as close as I can get. There’s not a lot I can do.
MATT: You’re right there.
TALIESIN: I’m going to use Devil’s Tongue, I’m going to use Vicious Mockery.
MATT: It rolls a natural 19 on its saving throw.
TALIESIN: (guttural Infernal sounds)
MATT: That’s like three 19s in a row that it has rolled, by the way.
LAURA: You have something in your throat, Molly.
TRAVIS: What dice are you using?
MATT: Well, the last two I was using the Golden Snitch. This one I used the black d20
SAM: We are all going to die because of the Golden Snitch.
MATT: It was gifted to me at the end of the last campaign.
TALIESIN: It was gifted.
LAURA: Or did you throw it on the table and Matt snatched it up?
TALIESIN: We are golden gods.
MATT: You must invite the vampire in for it to cross the threshold.
TALIESIN: I have made a terrible mistake.
MATT: So, Molly, you moved up there and you’re still ten feet away from this creature.
TALIESIN: I’m just going to hold.
MATT: All right, so you’re holding–?
TALIESIN: An attack for the second that it’s within range.
MATT: Okay, so you’re holding your action in case it shows up within range to strike it. Okay, good to know. That finishes their turn. Yasha, you’re up.
ASHLEY: Okay, can I get to it?
MATT: What’s your speed?
ASHLEY: 30 feet.
MATT: 30 feet? (counting) Just in range!
ASHLEY: I would like to rage.
ASHLEY: Okay, so I would like to rage, and then–
MATT: It spins around after Molly screamed at it, and it goes (snarling). You can see in your torch light, as you’re clutching it in your hand as you rush towards it. You’re going to have to drop that torch to grab your two-handed weapon.
MATT: You drop it on the ground, and as it hits the ground, the light flickers off of its eight red beady eyes. It turns, its fangs open towards you and you see the venom and bits of Fjord blood dripping off of the end of it as you rush towards it. All right, you rage, what are you doing?
ASHLEY: Rage, take out my sword and try to hit it between the eyes.
MATT: Go for it, roll for attack.
ASHLEY: Okay. 23.
MATT: 23 hits! Roll damage.
ASHLEY: What do I roll?!
MATT: It’s d12 for your greatsword. Plus whatever your strength–
ASHLEY: 2d6 plus three.
MATT: Oh the greatsword yeah, d12 is greataxe. 2d6, plus three, plus whatever your rage damage bonus is, which I think is two, right?
LIAM: It’s like an airplane.
TRAVIS: Yeah, this is the second fight.
TALIESIN: It might auto if you select your–
LAURA: Yeah, she didn’t get a session zero.
MATT: Yeah, it’s plus two. It’s plus five damage to whatever you roll.
ASHLEY: Plus five to whatever I roll?
ASHLEY: Okay, 14.
MATT: 14 points of slashing damage. As you rush towards it with a large arc, slamming down like (whoosh), you carve through part of its carapace, two of the eyes are cloven through and are now bloodied and ruined.
LAURA: It’s blinded!
MATT: It shrieks back. It’s hurt, but it’s still doing fine. Is that the end of your turn?
ASHLEY: Yeah, because I can’t do anything else, right?
ASHLEY: Okay, I stand there at the ready with the point.
MATT: Got it. Nott, you’re up.
SAM: Okay. I’m going to shout out: I think this is the monster! I will nervously fire my hand crossbow at the beast, hoping not to hit any of my friends. 12 plus something? Six. 18.
MATT: That hits. Roll damage. You get sneak attack.
SAM: Yeah. (counting) 14. Plus Fury of the Small, 17 points.
MATT: As it opens its mouth, the firelight from the torch flickering in, its horrible weirdly shaped spider-like mutated mouth open up where the pincers and the giant fangs are. A bolt sinks into its throat, and it starts shrieking, backing up defensively, the pain causing it to pull away from you. That’s a serious amount of damage.
SAM: Yeah. I scramble away in Caleb’s direction, and that cocoon guy there. I’m going to hide right behind him.
MATT: Okay. Make a stealth check.
SAM: Okay. A 15.
MATT: Good to know. That finishes Nott’s turn. Jester, you’re up.
LAURA: Okay can I come around the corner and get out of this nastiness? Ooh, it really did stick to it.
MATT: It really did stick to it. Five, ten, 15, there.
LAURA: Can I see everything?
MATT: Yes, you see right where everyone is and where this creature is.
LAURA: Okay I’m going to send my spiritual weapon down there to bash it over the head!
MATT: 20. It cannot quite get into range.
LAURA: How did Yasha get all the way there and my thing didn’t get there?
MATT: Because yours can only move 20 feet.
LAURA: That’s so stupid. Okay.
MATT: I believe that’s the case.
LAURA: Yeah, it’s only 20. Then I’m going to use Cure Wounds. Is it touch?
MATT: Cure Wounds is touch, I believe.
LIAM: Healing Word, maybe.
LAURA: Yeah but it’s like dog shit. Aw, look at that.
ASHLEY: Does it sparkle? It’s got all sparkly little–
LAURA: Isn’t it so pretty?
TALIESIN: It really ties the sewer together.
MATT: There it is.
LAURA: Healing Word is such dog shit, as far as what it can do.
SAM: Healing Word? No, it’s not!
LAURA: Psh, sure whatever. I guess I’ll do Healing Word to cure you. But you’re going to go down again, it’s not enough to heal you–
TRAVIS: I’m going to take a healing potion.
LAURA: Oh, you are?
SAM: Do your thing.
TALIESIN: Or do damage.
LAURA: I’m going to– I’m sorry, you guys. I’m going to Sacred Flame it, then.
MATT: Okay. What’s the–
LAURA: 1d8 radiant.
MATT: Well it needs to make a saving throw, right? That is an 11. I think your DC is 13 right? Yeah. Roll damage.
LAURA: Okay. Aw, two.
MATT: Two points radiant damage. Hey, it all helps. A burst of radiant flame suddenly encompasses the front part of its body, between the impact of the bolt, the slashing from Yasha, and the blast, it looks like it’s starting to feel a moment of fight or flight. That end your turn?
LAURA: Yeah, it does.
MATT: Caleb, Fjord, you’re up.
LIAM: Okay, I can see a straight line from the spider to me so I think–
MATT: It does have partial cover, though, because of the angle you’re at.
LIAM: Yeah, okay, all right. I’m going to use my movement to crawl out of the box so I can get a better beat on it hopefully. I’ll go as far forward and to the side as I can to get a better angle.
MATT: (counting) That’ll improve your sight there.
LIAM: Okay, so I am going to steady my arm against the other arm and point at it, and blacken my hand and send a Fire Bolt at it. Here it goes, we’ll see if it hits probably not. No, I don’t think it does. That is a 11.
MATT: That unfortunately does not hit. As it’s reacting from the impacts, it begins to rear back, and as it does there’s this one flash of light. It seems like it notices its presence and gets really low and flat suddenly. Its whole body, which is massive, shrinks low to the sewer as it passes overhead. It pops back up, ready.
LIAM: Then before the end of my turn I’m going to (snapping) and Schmidt silently comes up as close as he can get next to me.
MATT: That ends your turn?
MATT: All righty. It’s now the spider’s turn.
TRAVIS: It’s my turn.
MATT: That’s right, I forgot.
TRAVIS: With my bonus action, can I cast Hexblade’s Curse on the spider?
MATT: Yes, you may.
LAURA: You should just kill it! Kill it! It’s already nervous, kill it and don’t worry about healing yourself.
ASHLEY: He’s looking rough.
LAURA: Destroy it, Fjord!
TRAVIS: With the fucking glove of blasting, that we took off the thing, can I go (grunting) and fire all three of the Scorching Ray balls at the spider?
MATT: You may. Make your three attacks with disadvantage because it’s a ranged attack in immediate base-to-base range.
TRAVIS: That’s a nine, plus two for 11.
MATT: 11 misses. The first one goes wide, second strike.
TRAVIS: That’s a one.
MATT: Goes wide again.
MATT: 16 does hit. Your first time using the glove, you’re not too sure how the aiming works and the first two go off to the side, you’re like “Shit! Shit!” (boom) The third one finally impacts. Roll damage for that.
LIAM: Aw man that’s that Fjord edge right there.
TRAVIS: That’s right. Eight points of damage.
MATT: Eight points of fire damage. Plus, does your Hexblade’s Curse do anything on that? Don’t you add your–
TRAVIS: Plus two to hit, that’s it. No, damage two, proficiency. Thank you.
MATT: It’s ten, right?
TRAVIS: Ten, thank you.
MATT: (explosion) The second the Scorching Ray blast hits it as it’s rearing upright now, and as it lights up you can see the streaks of blue designs across its pale white body. The flames impact and burn around the side, it pulls back ready, angrily back towards you. That ends your turn?
SAM: What happened to the healing coming?
MATT: It didn’t happen.
TALIESIN: He’s a liar. He’s a lying liar.
TRAVIS: You just got to kill the spider and I’ll be fine.
MATT: It’s trying to decide what is the biggest threat right now. I’m going to roll for it, between Yasha and Fjord.
LIAM: Schmidt, it’s Schmidt.
MATT: It’s going to go for Yasha.
LAURA: Oh, thank god.
TALIESIN: Blood Maledict. I see it look at her and I immediately full Blood Maledict. I’m going to do the fucked up one and I’m going to take four points of damage for it. There you go. I have that moment, I look at it, and my neck bursts and I bleed out the vein.
MATT: You watch as a vein pours out the side, and the currently six intact red eyes of the spider all cloud over black with bits of trickling, dark purplish blood pouring from the edges of them. That gives it disadvantage. Which you are very lucky it is because that was a natural 20. That still comes to 16. Does that hit?
ASHLEY: That hits.
MATT: You take, from the fangs as it lurches towards you, oof, that’s going to be 11 points of piercing damage.
MATT: Yes, because you’re raging.
MATT: You take five points of piercing damage, and I need you to make a constitution saving throw, please.
MARISHA: You’ve got this.
ASHLEY: Natural 20.
TRAVIS: Woo, crit on that shit!
MATT: As it lurches forward and slams its fangs in the collar bone area, you having no real armor to protect it, you take it head on. The fangs sink and you feel the venom pulse through your torso, through your arms. The burning pains goes through and you flex it off. As you do so, thankfully reducing what would have been– you only take 11 points of poison damage.
LIAM: Yasha is a heavy metal album. That’s pretty dope.
MATT: It now sees you all moving around it, and it looks like it’s been hurting. You watch as its form vanishes.
ASHLEY: 11 in addition to the–
MATT: Yeah. You watch as it vanishes from the space. That’s where you last saw it.
MATT: Ending its turn, Beau and Molly, you’re up.
SAM: We killed it!
ASHLEY: Did it bamf?
MARISHA: Okay. Where’s it going to go, I’m going to–
TALIESIN: Let’s form up, stick close.
MARISHA: I’m going to split the difference and go here.
TALIESIN: Don’t get so far that we can’t get to you if it hits you.
MARISHA: I’m not, I’m going there, because I still want to be able to get to it. I’m going to hold a Flurry of– Can I hold a ki point action? Or can I hold an attack? Or can I hold an attack and then decide I want it to be a flurry of blows?
MATT: You cannot make a bonus action attack on a held action so you cannot unfortunately make a Flurry of Blows, I don’t believe, as a held action.
MARISHA: Can I take the bonus attack now, to do the ki point and hold it?
MATT: No, unfortunately.
MARISHA: Okay. This is balls, y’all.
LIAM: Yeah. Spider’s an asshole.
MARISHA: I’ll hold until I see it to make an attack.
MATT: Okay, so you’re holding your action until it appears into range. Good to know. Molly.
TALIESIN: I’m sticking with everybody, and let me take one– where am I? Let me take like a step back and hold my action there.
MATT: Okay. You step back and stumble over one of the crownsguard bodies that you left on the ground, but you hold yourself there, using it as one foot, slightly elevated platform being at the ready. You’re holding your attack action?
MATT: That ends Molly’s go. Yasha, you’re up.
ASHLEY: Oh, shit. Okay, it’s gone, so we don’t know where it is?
MATT: It appears to have vanished.
ASHLEY: We don’t see it. Okay. I feel like we should get closer. I’m going to move over to Fjord.
MATT: To there?
ASHLEY: Yeah, back against the wall.
LAURA: The *music*.
MARISHA: I know.
ASHLEY: (mimics the music)
LAURA: On Yasha’s move.
MARISHA: (electric guitar sounds)
TRAVIS: (bass guitar sounds)
ASHLEY: I think that’s– oh, can I do Healing Hands on myself?
MATT: You can, yeah.
ASHLEY: Okay, I’ll do Healing Hands on myself.
MATT: As Yasha backs up against the wall, greatsword in one hand, you watch as she puts her arm to her chest. There’s a faint glow of very faint whitish energy and her wounds heal up slightly.
TRAVIS: What the fuck?!
MARISHA: You didn’t have that, did you? You couldn’t do that type of shit.
TRAVIS: No, she’s path of the zealot.
ASHLEY: Well, I think it’s because I’m–
TALIESIN and ASHLEY: Stuff.
MARISHA and TALIESIN: Because reasons?
MATT: That finishes your turn, Yasha?
TRAVIS: What’s that called, what did you use?
ASHLEY: Healing Hands.
TALIESIN: It’s called Princes of the Universe.
SAM: Is someone going to heal Fjord?
LAURA: Yes, I’m going to on my turn.
SAM: Okay. Oh boy. I’ll stay put, and hold my attack until I can see the whites of its pincers. As a bonus action, I’ll cast Mage Hand and start digging around some rocks, see if there’s anything over there.
MATT: Well, Mage Hand is an action to cast, so you can’t hold–
SAM: Not anymore.
MATT: Oh, no, with your legerdemain, right?
SAM: I don’t know.
LIAM: We’re all still figuring it out.
SAM: You can use the bonus action granted by your cunning action to *control* the hand.
MATT: Oh, it means once it’s already out, you can do that to use a bonus action. But you have to get it out.
SAM: Got it. Then never mind.
MATT: So you’re holding your action there?
SAM: I’m holding my attack.
MATT: Good to know. Top of the round. Jester, you’re up.
LAURA: Okay. How far away are they? I’m going to move forward. Can I get all the way to Fjord? I’m afraid to get too far away from Caleb.
MATT: (counting) You can get up to him.
TRAVIS: You don’t need to heal me.
LAURA: I’m going to heal you.
TRAVIS: If it dies, I gain seven hit points.
LAURA: Okay, good. You’ll gain seven more than I can heal you, because I’m going to cast Cure Wounds on him!
SAM and TALIESIN: Yay!
LAURA: Yay. Six points.
TRAVIS: Thanks, Jester. I owe you one.
LAURA: You don’t owe me shit.
MATT: Anything else you want to do? Move your spiritual weapon or anything?
LAURA: I’m going to move my spiritual weapon in the middle, closer to Beau.
MATT: Okay, so there?
TRAVIS: We’re not considered poisoned if we got bit, right?
MATT: No. That ends your go, Jester. Caleb and Fjord, you’re up.
LIAM: Because sightlines are a problem here, I would like to move to dead center where Jester just was, actually, so I have a clear sight on the chamber behind me and ahead of me.
MAT: 20, 25, 30?
LIAM: Yeah. I can see everywhere, more or less, in here.
MATT: Yes, you can.
LIAM: I pull the diamond out from my coat and get ready, and I hold. As soon as I see the spider, I’m going to release Chromatic Orb.
MATT: Okay. Good to know. That ends your turn, Caleb. Fjord, what are you doing?
TRAVIS: I’d like to move closer to the group. (counting) I turn here and I will hold my attack.
MATT: Okay. In case he comes into range.
MATT: Good to know. Okay. End of your turn? Last you saw it there. You watch as there’s a faint ripple in the air. You just finishing healing Fjord, as he runs past, you turn and smile and turn back just in time to see it, not far from where it vanished, appear right there.
MARISHA: Damn it.
MATT: It does get a surprise strike on you, which has advantage. Disadvantage thanks to your last ability, so it’s just a straight attack roll. That is a natural one.
LAURA: (sigh of relief)
MATT: That’s okay. It will use its movement to move down, and go up the wall here.
LAURA: It died! Yay, we killed it!
MATT: If we went by those rules, you guys would’ve been dead a long time ago. All right, so you do get an attack of opportunity on it as you swing past. Go ahead and make your strike.
MATT: With your somewhat web-covered–
LAURA: No, we got all of it off, remember?
LAURA: 18? No, 17?
MATT: 17 hits. By the way, those of you that were in range to attack with that held action would’ve been just Caleb and Nott. Both of you guys get attack–
LIAM: It’s about 90 feet.
TRAVIS: I don’t get a ranged?
MAT: You were holding your attack, you said.
TRAVIS: Yeah. Do I have to say ranged spell attack?
MATT: You have to say what spell you’re holding. It’s either I’m holding an attack or I’m holding a spell.
TRAVIS: Sorry. I’ve learned.
MATT: Now you know.
LAURA: Seven damage!
MATT: Seven damage, nice.
LIAM: I prepped acid on this thing and I missed bad. I got a total of nine, so that did not hit.
MATT: A total of *nine*?
LIAM: Yeah. No, just nine.
MATT: So (fwoosh), and as you throw your orb, it skitters up the wall. You almost hit it, but it pulls out of the way before it shatters, the orb splattering acid across the stonework, burning through whatever outer layer of thick liquid has congealed there.
SAM: From where I’m hidden to where it was when it appeared, how far is that?
MATT: From where it appeared? That would’ve been 40 feet from you.
SAM: So I have to roll with disadvantage?
MATT: Yes, you do.
SAM: Ooh, not as good. 11.
MATT: Goes wide, no impact, unfortunately. That ends the spider’s turn. Beau, Molly, you’re up.
MARISHA: Ugh. Can I close the gap? With my 40 foot movement?
MATT and MARISHA: (counting)
MATT: It’s above you on the wall.
MARISHA: Can I–
SAM: Throw your throwing stars!
MARISHA: Like I’m trying to get spiders out of the corner ceiling with a broomstick! Exactly.
MATT: I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you the attack, you’ll have disadvantage, and if you miss, you’re prone. But I’ll give you the attack if you want to.
TRAVIS: Ooh. I like the risk.
LIAM: Worth the risk. That’s exciting.
SAM: It’s impossible.
MATT: There is a path that helps with that, but not this thing.
MARISHA: Of course I do! I’m going to do the full– I’m like, wasp, get the wasp!
MATT: All right, you leap up to get your single attack on it with your bo. Go for it. Roll at a disadvantage.
TRAVIS: You got it!
MARISHA: I got it! I did! I rolled a 15 and a 17!
MATT: That’s pretty slick.
MARISHA: So that’s 21!
MATT: That hits! Roll damage.
TRAVIS: Don’t move, don’t move!
MARISHA: Better call an exterminator!
MATT: 11 points of damage. As you leap and smack it in the face, it pulls up a little bit further away, screeching at the impact. It’s looking pretty rough. It’s still around, but that was not a positive hit for it.
MARISHA: Do I have room to still get one more swat? Probably not.
MATT: I gave you the one. You’re technically just out of range.
MATT: That was part of the risk. That end your turn?
MARISHA: Yeah, I guess so.
TALIESIN: I’m going to at least run up to the other side of Jester, just to keep us clumped a little bit. What I can do is I can do Vicious Mockery again. I’m going to cast Vicious Mockery and (Infernal voice) I’ll cut off your legs! Give it a shot. Make a roll against wisdom.
SAM: He can say anything with that voice and it would sound awful.
TALIESIN: (Infernal voice) Who ate all the crackerloupe bran?
SAM: (Infernal voice) Can I have a fishing rod?
TALIESIN: Save versus wisdom?
MATT: Yeah, your spell DC would be eight plus your proficiency, which is ten. Plus your wisdom modifier, which is what?
TALIESIN: Wisdom modifier is three.
MATT: Three. Yeah, that hits! Roll damage.
ASHLEY: Come on. Mock him.
TALIESIN: I mock him and that’s three points of psychic damage, and he has– really? Does it not even matter? Then he has disadvantage on the next attack.
MATT: How do you want to do this?
MATT: As you mock the spider to death.
TALIESIN: Something about my words are just making his blood boil.
MATT: As you screech out this phrase in Infernal–
TALIESIN: (Infernal voice) I whisper and then I fire.
MATT: As its legs begin to skitter upward, and as it tries to escape up the top of the ceiling, it loses its grip upon the top of the sewer ceiling. It falls, slamming on the ground next to Beau, and its legs begin to curl in. As it’s shaking, you see blood pouring from wounds that weren’t there before. It seems the Infernal itself has affected him physically from the inside. It begins to curl its legs in deeper and deeper, the sound of its guttural shrieking getting softer and softer–
MARISHA: I turn around and go, don’t worry guys, I got it. Good ol’ broomstick trick. Works every time.
LIAM: Put him in a mocking bag, Molly!
TALIESIN: I never had it do that before.
TRAVIS: I regain seven hit points.
MATT: There you go.
LAURA: No, don’t take it away. I’m going to lick it.
LAURA: It didn’t hit anything. It’s not even covered with any guts.
MATT: That’s true.
ASHLEY: I go up and I give Molly a slap on the ass.
TALIESIN: You see what I mean? These people are fun!
ASHLEY: It’s good. That was fun.
TALIESIN: I’m going to go poke it with a sword.
LAURA: I’m going to go back to the halfling guy that’s alive.
SAM: I’ll come with you then.
TRAVIS: I’m going to kill the half– no.
MATT: So it is a large body. The actual thorax of it.
TALIESIN: I’m going to start binding it up for travel.
MATT: Okay. Easy enough to do. It’s legs are intact, and they’re sturdy enough. You bring out whatever robe you have available, and you start binding it and getting it in a position where it could probably be either on her staff or whatever else you have and carry over shoulders. You guys approach the halfling: still unconscious, the arm draped out from the webbing.
LAURA: Does he look injured at all?
TALIESIN: It’s very dark still, also.
MATT: It is very dark, and there’s still this torch left in the center there where Yasha dropped it.
LAURA: Oh shit. Can I have grabbed that as I walk over to him?
MATT: Sure! You grab the torch and you bring it over. You get a close look. There’s the web mass in the corner. There’s the other bodies on the side, The halfling looks to be injured in the sense that it looks like they took a blow to the head. There’s a slight bit of blood trickle along the hairline.
LAURA: Can I put my hand on his head and cast Cure Wounds?
MATT: Okay. Go ahead and roll for the hit points regained there.
LAURA: Now. 11.
LIAM: Actually, since I see that Jester has this covered, I’m going to start burning out the dead people and rooting through their pockets and stuff.
MARISHA: I’ll still stick with Jester, though. Just in case he’s–
LIAM: That’s good.
MATT: There’s a moment after you finish casting it where the halfling shakes the head. “What’s going on?”
LAURA: Blessed child. You are alive. Your saviors have come.
MATT: You see one eye is almost still glued shut from webbing that’s across the front of it, but he’s trying to open it. “I don’t understand. What’s going on?”
SAM: You’re safe now!
MATT: “Oh god! (panicked breathing).” He starts looking around, looking up at the faint bit of light now, which it’s now just passing sunset. You see a little bit of purple light coming through, and through the little bits of webbing, you can see the grate that leads outside. He goes, “I don’t know how I got here.”
LAURA: You don’t know how you got down here? You didn’t come to the sewer on your own?
MATT: “Well I– Yeah, I guess.”
MARISHA: What were you doing down here?
MATT: “Well, I was just trying to get somewhere quickly.”
MARISHA: Insight check.
MATT: Make an insight check. You see flames bursting at the side. Every time, he flinches.
TRAVIS: Far Cry 5!
SAM: Far Cry 5? I’ve heard about it.
TRAVIS: Fantastic multiplayer and all-new setting. It takes place in the United States of America.
LIAM: Oh man. Full of lessons for America today.
TRAVIS: That’s right. I even heard you could check it out. Ubisoft’s Far Cry 5.
MATT: “I’m sorry, I’m just– oh god,” and he looks over and sees the other bodies on the wall and the webbing. He’s just, “(panicked screams) Help me! Please help me!”
LAURA: No need to scream. We’re getting you out, don’t worry.
LIAM: I’m only burning the dead ones! (fire billowing)
TALIESIN: (muffled screams)
SAM: I’m going to say in Halfling to the man: it’s okay, just calm down. Everything’s going to be fine. I start cutting him out.
MATT: Okay. He nods. “Thank you,” back to you in Halfling. He’s beginning to cut him free. What did you say?
MARISHA: Tapping into my background a little bit, I’m going to go: You know, I used to utilize the sewers back in the day. Real good to stay out of sight. Move stuff quickly.
MATT: “Yeah, well it’s important when you’re an ale hand. You got to move product through the sewers quickly.”
MARISHA: What are you moving?
LAURA: Do you have a key to the grates?
MATT: “Not a key, but I– I have a key.”
LAURA: Can you give us the key?
MATT: “You have to cut me free first.”
MARISHA: Before we do that, what’s your name, friend?
SAM, MARISHA, and LAURA: Thed.
LAURA: I thought he said “dead”.
LIAM: Thed is dead, baby.
LAURA: Thed, where is the key? Which pocket is it in?
MATT: “I’ll be happy to show you once you cut me free.”
LAURA: I can start digging. I start digging through his pockets.
MATT: Make an investigation check. At a closer look, too, you can see he’s got short, spiky, dark hair and a little bit of a goatee that’s trimmed to a point at the end of the chin. The tattoos all across the neck look like they’re swirled, serpentine shapes that all fold and knot together, all across the throat, from front to back, like a giant dark band.
LAURA: That’s a tattoo, you said?
MATT: It’s a tattoo, yeah.
MARISHA: Would I recognize that iconography or have heard of that? Does that mean anything?
MATT: Make an intelligence check.
LIAM: It’s a Nickelback tattoo.
MARISHA: Oh, nope. That’s a big nope. That’s a natural one.
SAM: I’m going to cut him out.
MATT: Yeah, you don’t. Okay. You cut him free, he’s like (heavy breathing).
LAURA: I rolled an 11 checking through his pockets.
MATT: You do find he’s wearing some nice, black/gray leather armor. He has a pretty nasty-looking shortsword. It’s been altered to be jagged at the edge of the blade. He has a small leather case that’s tucked in the armor. Don’t find a key.
MARISHA: Jester. What’s in that little case?
SAM: Do you have the stuff? Or did you–
MATT: He’s free now, as you cut him free, and he’s like (labored breaths). He stands up and he rights himself, and checks everything and he looks to the left and goes, “Um?” He points to the mass in the corner, and you see the mass that’s there. It’s not a series of bodies. It looks like it’s a slowly pulsing sac of some kind.
LAURA: Oh no, eggs. Oh no!
MATT: One of them (bursting) (skittering).
MARISHA: Molly? Can you?
LAURA: Kill it with fire! I Sacred Flame it.
MATT: With a torch throwing and landing, and the Sacred Flame igniting it, you watch as this cluster begins to burn as these tiny white and blue spiders begin to expand out the side. Some of them make it up the sides of the wall.
TRAVIS: I *hate* spiders. I’m fucking out.
MATT: You rush up and like crush a couple of them. Even baby-sized, they’re about that big. They’re all coming up and they begin to burn.
LAURA: Got to kill them all!
MATT: You go and start burning. It appears you’ve got them all. Some of them seem to have burned, some of them seem to have vanished. It’s hard to tell.
TALIESIN: No, I hear the commotion and come halfway over and nothing seems– they’re burning spiders.
LIAM: Caleb is blithely burning over here and has no idea what’s going on behind him.
TALIESIN: You are checking the bodies for things, right?
LIAM: Of course I am. I’m waiting for the DM to fill in the blanks.
TALIESIN: Well that’s fine, then.
MATT: If you go to the other bodies, you get two sets of Crownsguard armor, and two longswords of the Crownsguard.
ASHLEY: How much money was in the first two purses?
TRAVIS: Oh, the pouches that you took?
MATT: Right, the total between those two was 15 gold, 60 silver, and 20 copper.
LAURA: Just keeping all that for yourself, then, Yasha?
LIAM: That’s five bodies. I don’t know if I got them all, but are there any coin purses as well?
MATT: You do, and you go through. It’ll take you a little while to go through all the bodies here, so we’ll get to see how many you get through here.
LAURA: Did you say two sets of armor? Would that fit in the bag?
LAURA: Would that fit in the bag? Two sets of armor?
MATT: Well, I believe it would because it is a volume/space thing. It’ll take up a lot of space within the– and you have two two-foot by two-foot spaces on the two sides, and then you have the main eight-foot cube section there, so.
LAURA: Okay, we’ll bring these back to the Crownsguard and hopefully get some reward.
MATT: You do find another pair of studded leather armor that has like a sea motif to it. There’s shells pressed into it, and a wave pattern on the edges. The person it’s attached to has a bunch of tattoos across their body as well, that insinuate a lot of time at sea, different names of different ships that are different points of faded on the body. They may have been a sailor at some point in their life and has expired under here.
LIAM: Yeah, I will quietly gather that up and put it into my bag.
MATT: Okay. Well, the armor’s a full set, so it’ll–
LIAM: Am I able to carry that? I don’t even know.
MATT: Yeah, I mean, it’s a leather chest plate, leather arm bands and bracers, and then leg plates as well, so it’s a full set. You could probably fit all that into your bag if it’s the only thing that’s in your bag.
MATT: You stuff it all in there. Beyond that, going through them, for the sake of brevity here, you find an additional 85 gold pieces, 210 silver, and 45 copper.
LIAM: 85– what was it?
SAM and TRAVIS: Gold.
LIAM: Yeah. 85 gold.
MATT: 210 silver and 45 copper.
LAURA: Is everybody a greedy fuck in this game and we just keep whatever?
LIAM: I am not telling you that I found that at all.
TRAVIS: He dies first.
TALIESIN: We see him collecting everything, anyway.
MATT: Yeah, while you guys are all talking to this guy, Caleb is going from body to body, putting everything in his pockets. He’s not being sneaky.
CALEB: Yeah, but you’re not standing like right over, looking down. You see me feeling at the bodies.
MARISHA: No, but we’re all of the same breed; we get what you’re doing.
LIAM: You know I’m looking, but you don’t know what I found.
TALIESIN: We know you’re going to lie about it.
LIAM: Sorry, because everyone is so lovely, can you tell me–
TRAVIS: 85, 210–
MATT: Gold pieces. 210 silver, and 45 copper.
LAURA: Vex never lied about the loot we found.
LIAM: I don’t give a fuck what Vex did.
LAURA: Never once. Never once, for all the shit she got for being greedy, she never once lied about the loot.
TALIESIN: She was a good person.
SAM: Yes, but she was a horrible person.
ASHLEY: It’s true.
LAURA: She’s a terrible half-elf.
LIAM: Vex is retired in Whitestone right now. She’s not here.
MARISHA: I’m sensing a lingering sibling rivalry.
MATT: I know. It’s carried over.
MARISHA: Hanging over the table.
LIAM: I’m clearly Lawful Good. Clearly.
MARISHA: What’s Thed doing?
MATT: Well, he’s checked all his things, and he goes, “Okay, I thank you all so much for your help. I really appreciate it. You’ve saved my life.”
MARISHA: I’m going to do that lean up against the wall thing over the top of him.
MATT: Okay, as he’s doing this, he smiles. You can see he’s missing two teeth to the side and he has a septum piercing up in his nose that he rights and pulls back down again so it’s visible and he’s like, “(sniff) All right.”
MARISHA: You real thankful?
MARISHA: Real grateful? You feel like we did you a good service today?
MATT: “I’d happily pay you, but your friend already took all my money.”
LAURA: I didn’t take anything from you!
MARISHA: I just want one–
LAURA: I didn’t take anything from his pockets.
MATT: That’s what he’s saying.
MARISHA: I just want something in return. You know, you provide a service, get something in return, right?
MATT: “What– if I can be of service, I’d be happy to.”
MARISHA: Who’s the Gentleman?
MATT: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
MARISHA: Oh, friend.
TALIESIN: I heard “Gentleman.” I’m walking over.
MARISHA: Oh friend, I don’t need to roll an insight check to know that’s bullshit.
MATT: “I apologize, I don’t– I apologize. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
ASHLEY: Wait, what was it?
TALIESIN: Who’s the Gentleman.
SAM: I’m going to get closer to Thed and say in Thieves’ Cant–
SAM: You can trust us. We’re one of you.
MATT: Make a persuasion check.
SAM: Natural 20.
MATT: Oh, fuck! He glances down at you, looks taken aback, and returns to you in Thieves’ Cant and says, “And the rest of your compatriots?”
SAM: They’re cool.
MATT: Switching back to Common, he goes, “Look. I cannot tell you anything, except for, if you want to find him, there is a place you can inquire. If I give you any more information and that gets around, I am deader than that spider would have left me.”
MARISHA: All right. Where do I inquire?
MATT: He sighs for a second. “There’s a dive, naught but five blocks from here, called The Evening Nip.”
MARISHA: The Evening Nip.
SAM: We’ve heard that before!
LAURA: Yeah, it’s in the letter!
MARISHA: All right.
MATT: “Don’t say his name. Just walk up to the old man behind the counter and mention you’d like a drink, and while you have no coin, you’d be willing to offer many gifts.”
MARISHA: I’d like a drink–
TRAVIS: I have no coin, willing to offer many gifts.
MARISHA: No coin.
MATT: “‘Many gifts’ is the important part. Now, I hope that’s been of service, and I– as you seem to be the types who see it fit to save a person that you haven’t met in the bottom of a terrible sewer, I would hope that you would be kind enough to know that that information did not come from me, and that you’ve never seen me before in your entire life.”
MARISHA: What’s your name?
LAURA: His name was Thed.
TALIESIN: Of course, friend, we’ve never seen you before in our entire life.
MATT: “As I haven’t seen you, either.”
LAURA: I didn’t take anything from your pockets. I really didn’t.
TALIESIN: Does anything about his tattoo irritate me?
MATT: It’s not *very* well done.
TALIESIN: You know what I mean.
MATT: Yeah. No.
TALIESIN: All right.
LAURA: You really do have like a key to the grates, like an extra one?
MATT: “I mean– ” He looks up behind him and says, “I’ve got mine, but I need it for my work.”
TALIESIN: That’s fair.
TRAVIS: Pretty sure we can call for someone with our–
MATT: He glances over towards Nott and says, “Unless I’m mistaken, it appears you have a female friend here who could probably help you get around that anyway.”
SAM: I could try.
MATT: “Anyway. I bid you all *adieu.*” He pulls his hood up over his head and his little halfling feet quickly carry him back in the direction where you guys travel the sewer.
SAM: Watch out for poo rats!
MATT: (distant yell) “I’m aware!”
TRAVIS: How many of these victims were other than crownsguard? Any civilians or women, children?
MATT: No children. One of them appears to be a woman in her 40s or so. A lot of them appear to be dressed in heavy leathers. They may have been either coming through to try to clear up parts of the sewer; some of them look very poor, and may have come down here in hopes of scavenging whatever had fallen down into the sewer and collected over time. Some of them appear to be similarly dressed as Thed, or at least have a somewhat skulking-type demeanor about their wares.
MARISHA: Anybody have any neck tattoos that look like serpents?
MATT: No. There are a handful that look like they probably have traveled this route before and got caught up in it.
TRAVIS: Well, what did you find on the bodies? Sorry.
MARISHA: No– are– go ahead.
TRAVIS: Yeah. What did we find?
LIAM: There was a bunch of weapons and armor.
TALIESIN: And some coin.
TRAVIS: Anything unique? Any unique things?
TALIESIN: Why don’t we get into some daylight and take a look?
LIAM: We should reconnoiter to look at what we have.
LAURA: Anything else interesting in the room, outside of the bodies?
MATT: Outside of the bodies? It looks like there is broken bits of what would have been furniture or a cart at some time that got discarded or shoved down here from above. Other than that, just the general refuse you’ve come across down here in the sewer.
TALIESIN: We do have a spider body to pick.
TRAVIS: Can I happen to see– am I able to see the guy with all the tattoos of ships and stuff?
MATT: Yeah, you see him.
TRAVIS: Oh, cool. Do I recognize any of the names of ships, or any imagery?
MATT: Make an investigation check on that.
TRAVIS: Ugh. 11.
MATT: Okay. Looking about them, and what you can rummage through, he’s pretty much naked other than his underoos. Looking through, there’s like the Midnight Lorry, you don’t recognize that name at all; there’s one of them that’s the Shell Carrier, don’t recognize that one. There’s one name that catches your attention; it was called the Pink Giver, and it came through your ports at one point. You remember it coming into port, you were paid to take care of it, offload things, back on– The name itself was derived by a wooden carving at the front bow of the ship that was of a mermaid with her arms extended that was gifting a human heart that was painted with this vibrant pink color that was its signifying visual. Yeah. Other than that, nothing particular about it, just that you were like, “Oh yes, I know that ship.”
ASHLEY: Is the Broken Howl on there?
MATT: It’s on the back.
ASHLEY: *That* looks like a piece of shit ship.
TALIESIN: (sings) Continuity. Roll for continuity.
MARISHA: Beau turns to Nott. Hey girl.
MARISHA: That little code you were talking.
SAM: (clicks tongue)
MARISHA: See any of that written around these walls, or something that looks similar to it?
SAM: I can look around. Thieves’ Cant is a written or spoken thing?
MATT: It’s almost universally spoken, and as a language it’s used for extended ciphers. Make an investigation check.
MARISHA: Can I like help him out, see if I spot anything? Give him an assisted roll?
MATT: You can, if you want to assist him.
MATT: You have advantage on it because she’s helping you.
MATT: Okay. Glancing about, you can see behind the rungs, there’s about a two-inch gap across the wall. There is a very, very faint scratch into it that says, although not referring directly to yours, it says “Money pot.”
MARISHA: Money pot?
SAM: (whispers) Money pot? (louder) It says, “Money pot!”
MATT: Which catches you off-guard, because you’re like, “That’s one of our–”
SAM: That’s one of our one-shots!
MARISHA: What, what?
SAM: That’s one of our things, but that’s not– it can’t– it’s not us. We weren’t down here before, were we?
TRAVIS: Insight check.
LAURA: I wonder if this grate leads up into the Tri-Spires, then. Maybe it means lots of rich people are up here.
SAM: Maybe. Maybe this is the name– maybe they’ve named all the entrances and exits or something like that.
LAURA: Maybe. Easy pickings.
TALIESIN: Maybe they buried something here.
LAURA: If they don’t allow the criminals in, then they’d be real easy to pickpocket, because no one would expect it.
TRAVIS: One way to find out.
SAM: Should we try to jimmy this lock and get out?
LAURA: Well, we can probably call up. We have the writ.
SAM: Okay. Well, do we need to get the spider first?
LAURA: Well, it’s all tied up. Me and Yasha can probably–
ASHLEY: We got it, yeah.
MARISHA: I’ll put a little bundle on my staff as well.
LIAM: Jester, will you come look at my eyes? They feel a little bloodshot, I’m not feeling well after my encounter with the rats.
LAURA: Sure. I put my hands on either side of his face. Can I see anything weird?
LIAM: Wait, come over here.
TALIESIN: I’m walking over with this, too.
LIAM: Come over here. I walk away from the group.
LIAM: I don’t know if she follows me or not.
LAURA: I do, I do.
LIAM: There was gold in there, I would like you to have it. It’s more than I had before. Here is 100 gold were on those people, so you take it because I know that you need money.
LAURA: Caleb, I don’t–
LIAM: I know that you need money, and I’m very, you know, look at this. And I do a little joke.
LAURA: Those are really, really strong.
LIAM: That’s sad and funny at the same time. You carry the gold, because I can’t carry it all.
LAURA: Okay, but I’m not keeping it just for me, you know.
LIAM: That’s fine.
LAURA: It’s for both of us.
LIAM: Well, that’s why you wanted money, I assume, from your mother, was to help us out in the position we’re in.
LAURA: Of course.
LIAM: Yeah, so you take this, you’re a better, you know, I’m always thinking about things, and I’m not very good with amounts and money. So you carry it.
LAURA: Caleb. Thank you. And I’m sorry.
LIAM: You know, I just had a really bad day today, that’s all it was. I guess I’m sorry as well.
LAURA: Do you need curing, though? Because your eyes do look bloodshot.
LIAM: No, that was, I’m fine. I’m going to stare at the wall because I don’t know how to deal with attention very well.
MATT: While this is happening, what are you guys doing?
TALIESIN: I’m waiting for them to break up, and I suppose we’re packing the spider up to bring topside.
ASHLEY: I *really* hide the money that I found.
SAM: I’m taking at least one button off of every single person in the–
MATT: Easy enough to do. You have quite a collection going.
TRAVIS: I’m just waiting.
MATT: You guys have reconvened, you’ve gathered your things, the spider has been– all the legs have been pulled up and wrapped and you have either Beau’s staff or something else to lift it with on both sides, because it’s pretty heavy, it’s going to take two of you to carry.
LAURA: All right, we’ll carry it.
MATT: It would have to be you two, it’s pretty strong. The two of you lift it.
ASHLEY: Are we the strongest?
LAURA: Oh my gosh, yes.
MATT: So where are you guys going?
LAURA: Because you have a big lollipop to carry.
SAM: We’ve got to go up.
LAURA: Up these things, into the money pot.
MATT: Okay. So. Who’s going first?
LAURA: Well, somebody that can talk to the guards.
TRAVIS and TALIESIN: Nott.
SAM: I don’t know, guys. All right, I’ll try. (shouting) Hello? We’re stuck down here, and we want to come up. Let us out of the sewers. Let us up!
MATT: As you climb up, Nott, and look through, the sun has set, and the night has gone purple to dark, navy blue as night has taken it. You glance up through and you’re looking out into a dark alleyway. You see two sides of an alley, shaded and dark. About maybe 25 feet ahead, it opens up into a fine cobblestone road. You can see fine buildings across the way, you see the lanterns are light in the center of the town. You have not been to this part of the town, but it’s pretty well kept, and no one seems to be immediately around to hear you.
LAURA: Is it locked?
MATT: It is locked.
LAURA: Can you pick the lock?
SAM: Oh, yeah.
MATT: Go ahead and make a lock picking check.
SAM: What is that, sleight of hand?
MATT: No, it’s your thieves’ tools, so your proficiency bonus plus your dex bonus.
SAM: Dex bonus is four, proficiency is three, plus 12 is–
MATT: Well, two, isn’t it?
LAURA: Yeah, I think it’s just two right now.
SAM: Oh, it’s just two? Okay.
MATT: It’d be six.
MATT: 18. It takes a moment, and you have to reach around the other side and it opens up, and the bars push open. The gap here, into the back of this alleyway, is about two feet tall. Each of you can get out comfortably, that spider is going to need some squeezing.
TALIESIN: We’ll give it a push.
SAM: We can move it up first.
MATT: You guys, one by one, get up back topside. You manage to push it through. It damages the body, parts of it break and slide off, it’s not designed to fill through that space, but it’s still mostly intact.
MARISHA: I’m imagining the Play-doh fun factories.
MATT: Not quite that bad, but it definitely doesn’t look as pretty on the other side.
TALIESIN: I hang back for a second, and I very quickly, gently, socially pin Caleb to the wall. Face to face, as awkwardly close as I can get.
LIAM: I am definitely not looking you in the eye.
TALIESIN: No, you’re not. Hey, Caleb. I’m fine if you skim something off the top, that’s fair, but be clever about it. Just distribute 60 or 70 percent of what you find, okay? Good boy. Give him a little slap on the face, and then I go up.
LIAM: Nothing from me.
MATT: So you all eventually gather up at the top, street side. It’s completely dark, the night sky is above you, you can see the warm lantern light across the various street intersections, and along the path in front of the various buildings. You definitely recognize this, Jester. This is indeed the Tri-Spires district.
LAURA: Hey you guys, this is where my hotel is.
TRAVIS: Oh. Well, wasn’t the plan to have a, what did you call it?
MARISHA: (shouting) Room party!
LIAM: What time of the day is it?
MATT: It is night, it is freshly night.
LIAM: But what time of the day is it, because I know.
TALIESIN: Party time.
LIAM: Very, very close to what time it is. I know sundown, sunup.
MATT: Yeah, it’s sundown. I’d say with the time it took you to scavenge the bodies, about 30 or 40 minutes after the sunset completely.
LIAM: What time does the sunset?
TRAVIS: Oh Jesus Christ. Garmin over here.
LAURA: Are you trying to figure out if the stores are still open?
LIAM: Does it look dark? Of course I am.
MARISHA: We can’t ask Siri here, we don’t know.
LIAM: That’s the feat I took. It’s Siri. Does it look like stores are open? That’s all I’m asking.
MATT: Yeah, probably. I mean, in this district, shops are still open past sundown for a little bit, but the later in the evening it gets, many of them close down. Some shops stay open later, you don’t know.
LIAM: Let’s go to this room party you are talking about.
SAM: Wait, to get the spider inside the hotel, we’ll need a clever disguise for it. A hat, a beard, perhaps.
LAURA: Good call. I’ll get out my disguise kit and put a mustache on the spider.
LIAM: Also, Nott, mask up for sure, yeah? For sure. Maybe earmuffs, it’s very cold.
SAM: I could do a spell and make myself look like someone else.
LIAM: That did not work very well for me several hours ago, I think maybe you want to use tangible things here. Use the earmuffs, use the hat, use the mask.
SAM: Mask and earmuffs should make me look *just* perfect.
LIAM: You also have a hood, so it’s nighttime, with the hood up, in the dark, yeah?
SAM: I like it.
LAURA: It’s really bright and shiny in the hotel, though.
TRAVIS: If I may, you raise a good point, Nott. If we for some reason get caught being where we’re not supposed to, I think that writ only allows us to kill this beast and return it for the coin.
LIAM: Yeah, we’re not supposed to be here.
TRAVIS: I would not want to gamble with our reward of 700 gold. Perhaps we should leave and collect our reward and then find our revelries elsewhere.
MARISHA: I mean, to be fair, we know how to get here through the sewers now, we can always come back.
TRAVIS: This is a good point.
LAURA: Should we just make it straight–
MARISHA: Make a beeline?
LAURA: Just go straight and just stay.
TRAVIS: We can walk.
LAURA: Yeah, let’s go straight out and leave and go to the Crownsguard.
TRAVIS: Yeah, the King’s Hall.
MARISHA: Let’s do it.
LAURA: Maybe we should shut the gate up and then lock it.
SAM: Good idea.
LAURA: So they don’t know.
MATT: So you remark it, you close it. You guys step out into the main street, and you’ve traveled through here before, you immediately think, oh that’s where the nearest exit gate in the direction of the hall would be. You guys get about a block before two of the patrolling crownsguard stop and look at this troupe of people walking with a giant, brutalized spider, bright white and blue.
MATT: Immediately jogs up, both of them. “Excuse me, what are you doing here?”
LAURA: Oh yes, don’t worry, we’re staying at the Pillow Trove, but we have this very beautiful writ.
MATT: Takes the writ, and they both look at it. The other one has his hand on the side of his blade, each looking very closely at each of you. And you are a motley lot. Going through all of you, sneering a bit in the direction of Caleb.
LIAM: I have a hood on.
MATT: Yeah. A bit frightened at the vision of Yasha, and confused at the sight of Mollymauk. He finishes reading the writ. “Okay, very well, but we will escort you to the gates and you can continue this on to the hall.”
LAURA: Thank you!
MATT: “How did you get this in here?”
LAURA: Oh, we are really powerful.
MARISHA: We’re the Mighty Nein.
LAURA: We killed it! We took care of the monster problem.
MATT: Looks back at the other guard, and they share a brief glance. “Right, very well. Let us leave, then.” They escort you towards the entrance. The opening gate where you guys had passed through, you move through and out into the Interstead Sprawl, at the exact gates where you guys had entered, or you had entered, and you had attempted the night before.
LIAM: Yeah, on the way there, too, I also turn to one of these guards and say, excuse me, could you point me where we are, right now, which way to the Nestled Nook from here. You’ve heard of this book store?
MATT: “I didn’t, well, the Nestled Nook, did you say?”
LIAM: You don’t have to pretend with me, it’s fine.
MATT: He points over that way, he goes, “To the south side of the Silken Terrace, look for the small greenish hut-looking building.”
LIAM: Thank you.
LAURA: We’re going to clean up, we’ll be back. This is not normally how we dress, ugh, we were in the sewers.
MATT: They escort you out. (laughs) Get you quickly out of the district carrying a giant, bloodied, awful-looking spider. As you’re making your way, some of the folks that are walking through start gasping at the sight, and whispering to each other, pointing. Some begin to approach, and somebody else pulls their shoulder, and pulls them back. You become this slow-moving sight through this district.
TRAVIS: Yeah, Mighty Nein, stay back. *Nein.*
MATT: All right, you guys eventually make your way back to the hall.
LIAM: You know, I grew up with this language.
MATT: So you’re outside the King’s Hall. As you approach, some of the guards rush up to you and, “Hail! What do you carry and bring here to the– What is this thing?”
TALIESIN: These papers? Oh, that’s a spider.
LAURA: The evil monster that was killing everything.
MARISHA: Yeah, you might want to send someone to collect your dead too, by the by.
TRAVIS and TALIESIN: Quite a few.
MATT: You bring him in. Some more of the guards begin to gather around and then Voloshin is pulled from his interior office somewhere. As he steps forward he says, “All right, they tell me–oh, goodness me! That’s a beastie.” He tugs on the end of his chin beard for a second. “So this is it, this is the one?”
TRAVIS: Indeed, in fact it would turn invisible when it wasn’t trying to stick its fangs into all of our gang.
MATT: (shouting) “Someone wake up Cloen!”
MARISHA: Who the hell is Cloyde?
MATT: “Cloen, and he was the one survivor–”
MARISHA: That is not what I heard at all.
TRAVIS: With that accent, all those letters disappear.
TALIESIN: There’s also an egg sac that got taken care of.
LAURA: Oh my gosh, lots and lots and lots of baby spiders.
MATT: He goes over to the guards, “Go down there, double check, make sure everything is good, go.” Eventually you watch as another guard is brought in. He sort of has a night shirt on, and he looks like he was woken up, he’s a little drowsy. “What’s going on, I– oh! That thing, that’s the thing!” He looks immediately scared. Voloshin says, “Great, send him back to bed. Well, that’s what we needed.”
MARISHA: Send him back to bed? You should let that guy go for leave for medical absence, that’s rough, man.
MATT: “You look like just the person I would take advice from when it comes to administrating my people.”
TRAVIS: Don’t punch him, don’t, no.
MARISHA: No, he’s got a fair point. I’ll give him that.
TALIESIN: You don’t look like an administrator, I mean that’s actually almost a compliment.
MARISHA: You know, yeah, it’s fair.
MATT: “I’m impressed, I will go ahead and retrieve your payments to the Mighty Seven.”
LAURA and TRAVIS: Nein.
TRAVIS: We lost two in the sewers.
MATT: “I’m sorry to hear that, that’s terrible.”
TALIESIN: Extra pay would soften the blow.
MATT: Make a deception check.
TRAVIS: Oh yeah. I’m moderately okay at this! Oh no!
MARISHA: Oh, come on! Oh, it’s not too bad.
TRAVIS: Okay, deception, where the fuck is it? Oh, it’s 11.
MATT: He goes, “That’s really too bad. Anyway, I’ll be right back.”
LAURA: We have armor too, of some of your fallen people, will you reward us for that, thank you!
MARISHA: Yeah, you can buy it back for us or we can go pawn it, your choice.
MATT: “That is property of the Crown, thank you very much.”
MARISHA: Well, unfortunately, it’s property in her bag right now, and it’s real tough to get out of that bag.
SAM: Don’t tell them about the bag.
LAURA: Stop it, we’re about to get our reward, stop being a shithead right now.
MARISHA: Sorry, fair.
MATT: “If you would be as kind to remember these fallen soldiers who protect you and the people of this city, by delivering unto us the armor and weaponry that they had been lost with, I would be happy to go forward with delivering your reward.”
TRAVIS: Who picked up all those items, anyway?
LAURA: I have them. Here’s two sets of armor.
MATT: Two of the guards collect them.
LAURA: And two extra helmets.
LIAM: Side note: I did not come in this building. I’m hanging back and giving Identify a whirl on what’s in my bag. That other armor. Outside.
TALIESIN: Travis will never see that card.
MATT: He comes back. They bring a small chest.
SAM: The card that says “give to Travis.”
MATT: “700 gold pieces. Hand me the writ, please. Thank you very much, and I appreciate that,” and he sets it out and hands it to you. “You seem able-bodied. You’ve pulled through on something where few have been able to. If you’re looking for more work, I’m sure we’ll have things. Bit light at the moment, but where can we find you, if we’re looking for you?”
TRAVIS: We’re staying over at the–
LAURA: Leaky Tap.
TRAVIS: Although some of us were taking up at a room at the–
LAURA: At the Pillow Trove, yes.
MATT: (laughing) “Of course you do. Leaky Tap, good to know. All right, now shove off.”
LAURA: What does that mean, “of course you do?”
MATT: Well, of course you do.
ASHLEY: She has a room there.
MATT: Of course she does.
LAURA: I do have a room there! I pull out my key. I have a room.
MATT: Ah. Fair play. Now, shove off.
LAURA: I don’t know why it mattered.
TRAVIS: 700 gold.
MATT: As the Herald turns and Voloshin’s there, the guards gather the armor and the weapons and stuff.
LAURA: Just the armor. I didn’t give back the swords.
MATT: Okay. Good to know.
ASHLEY: Stick it to the man.
MARISHA: Hell yeah!
MATT: A voice comes through the hall and goes, “Wait. I’d like to meet them.” Voloshin stops and goes, “Of course, Lawmaster.” He steps back and from around the side of the hall, from one of the doors on the left side of the building, a human woman comes through, in her early 60s. Once-brown hair has turned mostly gray and shoulder-length, it’s curled up a bit into a soft bob on the sides. She’s older, her face is weathered and has seen some time. She’s wearing robes of gold and white, but they seem to be not ceremonial, or at least worn enough that they look like they’re worn for comfort. She steps forward, and she has these warm brown eyes that peek through this face. “Sorry to bother all of you. Word just came to me that you were successful in taking care of this beast in the sewers. I am Lawmaster Orentha and I just wanted to extend my thanks. It’s not often that folks are willing to go to lengths and put their lives on the line for the honor of those fallen of the Crownsguard, and those within the hall of the king, so I just wanted to say I appreciate that.”
TRAVIS: Of course. We appreciate the law in this town, and the services you provide. You can lean on us for any further needs you might have.
MATT: “The crown appreciates it, the people of the city appreciate it, and I appreciate it. Thank you.” She turns around and shuffles back into the hallway. Everyone goes about their business again and begins shoving you off towards the door.
LAURA: She seemed really nice.
SAM: Why did all those people want to rebel against her?
MARISHA: She’s still a part of the Crownsguard. She’s still a part of the system.
SAM: She seems nice, though.
MARISHA: Yeah, they’re nice individually sometimes, but they’re still a part of a shitty whole. A real shithole.
LAURA and TRAVIS: “A shitty hole.”
SAM: It’s not a lot of shades of gray in your world, are there? It’s just shit, or not shit.
MARISHA: It’s been a long day.
TRAVIS: (laughs) “A shitty hole.”
MATT: What’s the casting time on Identify again?
LIAM: As a ritual, it’s 11 minutes.
MATT: You guys would be exiting the building just as you’ve finished that process. You complete it, take moment to think it over, and you hear them all exiting and talking to themselves, as they’re ribbing Beau on the way out. You quickly gather your things.
MARISHA: Look, I don’t mean to have resting bitch face, okay?
TRAVIS: Yeah, but it hasn’t changed at all.
MARISHA: I’m working on it.
TRAVIS: If anything, later in the day it gets worse. I’m just letting you know.
LIAM: It’s not so much restive as active.
TALIESIN: Yes, it’s like working bitch face.
MARISHA: That’s cool.
LIAM: The bag’s closed. You don’t see shit.
MARISHA: You’re real quick.
LIAM: I heard you coming. You’re loud. You’re a lot. And that’s Liam to Marisha.
MARISHA: Oh honey, I know.
SAM: Are we each taking one hundred gold?
LAURA: Yes, one hundred gold. I was going to wait until we got somewhere private to do it, but sure. Everyone take one hundred gold.
TALIESIN: Look at that. That’s brilliant.
SAM: We did it, and we never have to do another adventure again. Right?
TALIESIN: I don’t know about you, I’ve got goals.
LIAM: Campaign three, next week.
MATT: Yup. That was it, thank you for watching.
TALIESIN: I’m working towards something.
SAM: Towards something? What?
TALIESIN: Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you.
SAM: All right.
LIAM: What’s the plan now?
LAURA: We all smell like poop!
LIAM: To go to this place?
LIAM: No, we are going to The Pillow House, *ja*? The Pillow Trove? The Pillow Place?
LAURA: Yeah, but we should probably get cleaned up, because they’re going to stop us the minute we get inside. Should we go and see Pumat Sol, and see if he’ll make us clean?
TRAVIS: We do have some extra coin. Maybe he’s got some fancier shit to buy.
LIAM: Also, as long as we’re in here– I couldn’t get in earlier, but we’re here now– there is a stop. I wanted you to go with me.
LAURA: We’re not in the Tri-Spire anymore.
LIAM: Where are we now?
MATT: You guys are back at the King’s Hall, back in the Interstead Sprawl.
LIAM: That’s a bummer.
MARISHA: We got to shower.
LIAM: That’s up to him, not me.
MATT: I thought I was pretty clear. Everyone else got it.
LIAM: Liam is very different than Caleb.
MATT: That’s okay.
MARISHA: You know memory is very different than being able to tell the time of day by the sun, right?
LIAM: Hm? No, I remember everything that happens in the last month. *I* don’t, Caleb does. I have a Clippy. I have a magic Clippy.
MARISHA: Yeah, that’s fine, but time of day.
LIAM: Time of day, I know. That’s part of the feat. I know the hour of the day.
MARISHA: That’s bananas. You should be able to look at the sun and say, “oh, six.”
LIAM: I am so cheating by following the rules in the book.
MATT: I know. Right now it’s close to 8:30, 9:00. It’s still early evening-ish.
TALIESIN: Dinner, and bad decisions, and cleanliness would be great.
LAURA: We have to get not stinky before we eat, okay?
TRAVIS: Agreed. Should we head back, clean up?
SAM: Sounds good.
MATT: You guys, easy enough, find your way back to The Leaky Tap, where you can utilize the washroom to get yourselves back to a personable state.
LIAM: On the stroll: Fjord?
LIAM: I want to talk to you about how that went back there. Can we walk alone for a minute?
TRAVIS: Sure, if you’d like.
LIAM: Let’s drag back. Two things. One is, I didn’t bring it up, even though maybe Beauregard knows, but I found something in there that I think is up your alley. I found some armor, beyond just Crownsguard armor, down there. I mean, listen, my friend. You spit out salt water. You’ve got a sword that’s covered in fucking anemones and shit.
TRAVIS: I’m not repeating that word.
LIAM: This armor is like The Little Mermaid armor. It’s all for you. I found it, but I would like to trade it for you. Yeah, you have that glove, and I know I handed it over willingly just yesterday, but I have a checkered past and an interesting history with flame. Fire. There’s no real reason. You’d be very good with that glove, but I feel like I would like to have that glove, and I would love for you to have this armor. I took a look at it while you guys were inside, and it would allow you to move freely in the ocean or in rivers or lakes, underwater, and keep you safe in water.
TRAVIS: Wow. Wish I had that before. Yeah, I think a trade would be fine, but I’ll trade you for a story of why your past is so checkered with flame. You seem to trust in me enough to tell me about it.
LIAM: I don’t trust you yet. I don’t trust any of these people yet, except for– No, I don’t trust any of these people yet.
TRAVIS: That’s too bad.
LIAM: *Ja*. I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve harmed people. Not in a long time. You know, I thought I was going to be something, someday, a long time ago, and now I don’t. Oh, god. Ask me again in a couple of days. I will prepare an answer that is better than this for you, I promise.
TRAVIS: Sure. You know, we’ve all harmed people, but I hope that you will learn to trust me, in time, and I appreciate you sharing that. Here, I’m fairly certain that you will do far more damage with this than my shitty attempt did.
LIAM: Thank you.
TRAVIS: Of course. Thanks for the armor. What does it look like?
MATT: It’s a darker gray, but elements of where it’s been pressed in with leather scrolling, designed to look almost like waves curling on the outer parts of the different leather plates, have a very faint turquoise inlay color on the inside that you can only see when it’s directly lit. It looks like a very beautiful set of leather armor. There’s no arms to it, other than the bracer plates right there, there’s no sleeve. There you go. It’s got an arm guard and a bracer there, shoulder piece, the torso portion, a couple of plates that go over that, and some leg guards.
TRAVIS: All good things. Thank you for this.
LIAM: Thank you. No, you’ve got to go higher.
TRAVIS: Yeah, you’re welcome.
MARISHA: Don’t want to interrupt your “broment.”
LIAM: Oh, hi. You want to be part of the bro moment? Or a Beau moment?
MARISHA: I’m not here. I am not here.
LIAM: I thought you were, I thought you’d walked up.
LAURA: Are we going to bed, or are we what?
MATT: What are you guys doing?
TRAVIS: We’re going to get clean first, because good god, we’re going to clear out that fucking tavern.
MATT: We’ll say you got clean for the expediency of the story. We don’t have to roleplay through your bathing individually.
TRAVIS: But Matt–
MATT: Unless you really want to. Always stop me if you want to have a moment.
LIAM: We went to the bathhouse to get clean?
MATT: No, you went back to The Leaky Tap.
LIAM: By the way, part of the reason I didn’t wash up at The Leaky Tap is because, in medieval times, they didn’t have baths. I thought, this isn’t the Sheraton, they don’t have a bath.
LAURA: We’re pretending that there’s a bath.
MATT: This isn’t medieval times. In the fantasy world, it’s a weird mixture of different time periods, and when I say they have a washroom, I mean it’s a basin with water that is replaced every couple hours that people communally come up and wash in. It’s not the cleanest water, and it’s probably been used by other people as well, and if you bathe fully in it, it might be changed before the next two or three people use it.
LIAM: I was under the assumption that you had to be de Rolo level to have a bath in your house.
MATT: In your house. They have one washroom for the multitude of rooms the entire tavern has, and the water is changed every few hours, maybe. That’s what I’m saying. But it’s functional.
LAURA: That’s why we should have gone to Pumat Sol’s.
TALIESIN: That’s why people have bathhouses, to clean up.
SAM: When Fjord’s taking a bath, I’m going to go through his stuff and try to find his letter.
LAURA: His letter?
SAM: The letter for the Solstryce Academy.
MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make a stealth check.
SAM: Not good. 15.
MATT: 15? Would you have taken your stuff in with you?
TALIESIN: Or would I still be in the room?
MATT: Molly would probably still be in the room.
SAM: I got to stealth past Molly, or get him out of the room.
MATT: You do. Make a perception check, Molly.
TRAVIS: I’m certainly not trying to hide it.
TALIESIN: Let’s call that a 20.
MATT: You watch as Nott slowly creeps into the room, heading over towards Fjord’s pack.
TALIESIN: Whatcha doing?
SAM: There’s no liquor in here, oh boy, I better go down to the bar.
TALIESIN: What were you looking for?
SAM: Nothing. Liquor.
TALIESIN: Were you looking for this? I hold up a folded piece of paper.
TALIESIN: What will you give me for it?
SAM: I’ll give you a whole gold piece.
TALIESIN: No, something– I don’t want money, I want something, give me something.
SAM: *Two* gold pieces!
TALIESIN: Not gold pieces. What do you have?
SAM: Let me look–
SAM: I have a vial of acid.
TALIESIN: That’ll do.
SAM: What is this?
TALIESIN: It’s a blank piece of paper.
SAM: Ah, fuck you!
SAM: Maybe it’s invisible ink.
TALIESIN: I hand back the acid. Don’t try and go through his stuff, you’re just going to get caught.
SAM: All right.
TALIESIN: What did we talk about grumpy people?
SAM: You’re right, he’s not very grumpy. He should be. If I barfed up salt water every morning I would be grumpy.
TALIESIN: Maybe if he spends more time around Beau he’ll get grumpier.
SAM: You know what, I think he is grumpy, but he stands next to Beau so much that he *looks* happy.
TRAVIS: Grumpy-ass wingman makes me look better in comparison.
MATT: I mean.
TALIESIN: That’s a fair point. I stand up. Don’t go through my things, I know everything I have. And I walk out the door. And I walk by him. She’s going through your stuff, by the way.
TRAVIS: Who? Which one?
TALIESIN: I’ve already walked away.
TRAVIS: I shuffle in with like a towel. Nott! What the fuck!
TRAVIS: Get out!
SAM: I’m sorry!
TRAVIS: Shoo! Shoo!
TRAVIS: Son of a *bitch!*
TALIESIN: I am downstairs having a drink.
MATT: All right. You finish your baths, you all convene down in the tavern. Yeah. When you guys come down there and begin to reconvene, about two tables away you see, sitting alone with a tankard, a familiar dwarven figure to both Beau and Fjord.
MARISHA: Oh, wait.
MATT: Ulog, who you had met before.
MATT: Ulog, with a “G”.
MARISHA: Oh, Ulog! Not “lok”?
TRAVIS: Oh, with the buzzed head.
MATT: Yeah, you watch as you guys approach and as soon as you all gather at the table, he gets up and walks over.
MARISHA: He was the one who was super not-cool with us being there, super angry.
MATT: He seemed to be, yeah.
MARISHA: Wife Illiana, into it!
MATT: He walks behind where Fjord and Beau are and goes, “Don’t mean to bother you, but if I could have a moment of your time, I’d like to talk.”
TRAVIS: Of course.
MARISHA: Yeah, man.
MATT: “Excuse us.” He leads you guys back to where the cellar is.
TRAVIS: (quietly) Don’t talk.
MATT: You guys head back, he nods over towards your dragonborn bartender, gives him a nod, walks past, leads you down to the same cellar, it’s dark in there. There’s no light, but he lights a hooded lantern as you enter and it gives this low, mysterious atmosphere in the shadows as he spins around and goes,
“I’ve been watching you a bit. You’re a curious lot. More of you than came to the meeting. Five more. Did you– and please, be honest, I’m good at telling otherwise– did you reveal any of our sentiments to your– of our moot to your companions?”
MARISHA: No we did not.
MATT: “Went and saw you come back to town with this spider-beast you had on your shoulders, now that’s– take it you’re pretty good with a sword, maybe? With a bow? Experienced? What’s your skill sets, if I might ask, beyond just being curious?”
TRAVIS: Well, we come from all sorts of different backgrounds. I happen to be very handy at sea, know my way around a merchant area. Beau?
MARISHA: I consider being curious a pretty high skill set, but since you’re asking beyond that. I’m pretty good with this here bo. Pretty good fighter. Named Beau. It’s a little redundant, to be totally honest.
MATT: “That’s a little strange, not going to lie.”
MARISHA: It’s kind of obnoxious.
MARISHA: Sometimes it irritates me.
MATT: “Curse upon ye who made that decision for you.”
MARISHA: Can’t pick them.
MATT: “So you can move quickly, without a ruckus, you say?”
TRAVIS: At times, we can be quite quiet.
MATT: “And your friends, do they share our sentiments?”
TRAVIS: I would say it’s safe to say that they don’t have sentiments opposed to yours.
MARISHA: Indifference is a pretty strong sentiment.
MATT: (sighing) “Listen. If you indeed have a heart for goodness in this world, and you want to make a difference, we’re moving on to something soon that I think we could use your aid on. You and your companions. Blast, if you need payments, I’ve got coin I can muster, and I see you do work for coin. I have few others of us who can chip in as well. Other than myself, most of the Knights of Zadash are unskilled in the ways of the arm. We’re willing to raise a voice, but not much of a fist, or backing up a word with strength. I’m willing to make it worth your time.”
“You don’t have to answer now. Tomorrow at midnight, me and a few others from the group, the decision makers, we’re meeting back down here. If you’re in, bring your friends, we can all talk. Give you more information about what’s going on, and you can say yes or no at your leisure. But I think we have a chance to really do something good in this city. To change part of the status quo. To root out some of the unworthy at the top. Think on it.”
TRAVIS: Just letting you know that coin always helps, but we did see the posting outside the King’s Hall about uprisings against the Empire. It seems the heat on your group might be quite intense.
MATT: “We’re not against the Empire. It protects us. There are good things about it. What we’re against are the people that abuse the system. There are a handful in this town and their time is up.”
TRAVIS: What cancers are you looking to remove? I would tell you that tomorrow night, the devil lies in the details, and that will depend.
MATT: “Your curiosity is piqued. Come by. We’ll talk.”
MARISHA: What makes you think that now is the right time for all of this?
MATT: “Well, we’ve been talking for a very long time, and there is a shift coming that we want to ride the wave of. I’ll let Dolan tell you the details tomorrow. Anyway.” He snuffs the lantern. “Good night.”
TRAVIS: Good night.
MARISHA: (shouting) Oh god, stubbed my toe!
TRAVIS: Wow. That was really good. Like, you didn’t act like a total shitfuck.
MARISHA: Thanks. I was trying to not show my emotions on my face.
TRAVIS: Whatever it was, yeah, lock it in. That was great. Really nice.
MARISHA: Yeah, thank you. I’m trying to get better at it. Yeah.
TRAVIS: That was promising.
MARISHA: What do you think?
TRAVIS: About that? I mean, shit, I can’t really speak to it. I have to figure out what they want to do tomorrow.
MARISHA: In my experience, it doesn’t matter if he thinks he’s fucking with the Empire or not. The Empire is going to look at it as fucking with them, and that never ends well.
TRAVIS: That’s right. If it’s amateur hour, we’re going to be shooting ourselves in the foot.
MARISHA: Last thing we want to do is take the fall for these assholes.
TRAVIS: No joke. Especially since we just got here.
MARISHA: And he’s talking like he wants us to be the fist to his voice. What the fuck is that?
TRAVIS: Yeah, what the fuck?
MARISHA and TRAVIS: (sigh)
MARISHA: Yeah. Yeah.
MATT: All right. You guys reconvene with the rest of the group.
LAURA: So. I walked in and the guy was like– you know, he had his arms above his head, he was chained to the bed, right? He didn’t know where he left the key! I know I don’t even know how long he’d been there.
TALIESIN: Well he forgot that he put it there! You think you’d still feel that.
SAM: He *paid* for that service?
LAURA: Oh, people will pay for all sorts of weird things.
LAURA: Oh, hi guys!
TRAVIS: I wasn’t sure what our next engagement might be, but it seems like we might not have to wait that long.
SAM: Did we get another job offer?
TRAVIS: Well, not through the city per se, but remember that group that we joined the other day?
LAURA: The cult? The *orgy* cult?
TRAVIS: No that is not at all, no, no. We joined their meeting, right? We did not join them, we didn’t participate–
MARISHA: We sampled.
TRAVIS: We were in the presence of an attended meeting of individuals.
LAURA: So they offered you money?
LIAM: More of a voyeuristic position that we’re talking about here.
LAURA: They offered you money to join in.
TRAVIS: Maybe it’s just us, we just go–
TALIESIN: No no no!
SAM: What do they want you to do?
LIAM: You kept your eyes wide shut, is what you’re saying.
SAM: Come on, what’s the fidelio?
TALIESIN: Well done! Oh, that was terrible.
TRAVIS: Tomorrow evening there’s going to be a meeting of that same group and they would like to hire our services.
LAURA: Don’t you think it’s stupid to say all of this right here?
TRAVIS: Why? Am I speaking real loud?
MARISHA: Are we in the tavern?
MATT: You guys are in the tavern at the table, but you’re not– keeping your voices somewhat discreet.
MARISHA: Is anyone watching?
MATT: No one seems to be paying immediate attention.
TRAVIS: Do you want me to write it down?
TRAVIS: Okay. I’ll write it down for Jester, but for everybody else–
TRAVIS: Tomorrow at midnight, we’re going to see what it is they want to do, and if the money’s right and if it’s not stupid.
LIAM: “If the money’s right and if it’s not stupid” is a good philosophy for this group.
LAURA: How can we be sure he’s telling the truth?
MARISHA: He didn’t tell us a lot of anything.
LAURA: But how do you know that he isn’t setting you up to be turned into the Crownsguard?
TALIESIN: Exactly what she said.
TRAVIS: Well, since it’s in the same place, it’s in the same cellar, I figure you guys can keep watch above while we’re getting info down below. We don’t all need to be down in the same place.
LIAM: We can have my cat tomorrow to link the two groups.
TRAVIS: Where’s your cat?
LIAM: Oh boy, he got kicked to shit today.
MARISHA: Sorry, I didn’t mean to–
LAURA: Like kicked to death?
LIAM: Well, you know, it’s hazy because he’s never really kicked to death, he’s just kicked off of the material plane.
MARISHA: He got kicked into another dimension!
LIAM: I’m not going to lie, it does hurt when he’s gone, but I always know he can come back if I have the coin.
TRAVIS: Was it one kick? Just one.
MARISHA: Oh, it’s not funny.
LIAM: It’s a little funny. Frumpkin has a good sense of humor about it.
TRAVIS: You’d have to, you get kicked into a fucking other dimension.
MARISHA: But who kicks a fucking cat?
LIAM: Exactly! Who kicks a fucking cat exactly is my point! You can do a lot of things and have a very bad day but who kicks a cat?!
TRAVIS: Did you get a name or a face, I mean, are we going–
LIAM: Oh, he had such a face. I will never forget his face.
MARISHA: We’ll beat his ass later.
MARISHA: We’ll beat his ass later.
TALIESIN: Well, it’s inevitable if you kick a cat you’re going to end badly. That’s just how it works.
LIAM: I mean you might as well be at home picking the wings off flies, you kick a cat, what is wrong with you?
LAURA: Wait a minute, is it wrong to pick wings off flies? Because that’s not–
TRAVIS: That’s really hard to do, very small and hard to catch.
LAURA: Not if they’re already dead, then you can pick the wings off super duper easily.
TALIESIN: Oh sure, if they’re already dead, just go for it.
MARISHA: You know what we used to do as kids, we used to take fireflies and crush them and make glow jewelry. When they’d light up, and you’d crush them right as they light up, and then you can make glowing war paint.
LAURA: What’s a firefly?
MARISHA: It’s a thing that happens on the east coast.
TRAVIS: And in the south.
MARISHA: Yeah, it’s a southern thing.
LIAM: And in New Jersey.
LAURA: Oh wow.
LIAM: On second thought, who am I to judge? It’s fine! You know, Frumpkin will be back tomorrow morning because I am going to stay up late and do what I have to do, but aren’t we going to have a rager tonight at this place in the fancy part of town?
LAURA: Oh yeah, we can go back to the Pillow Trove and all hang out and sleep in the same room if you want.
TRAVIS: Wait, so we all just got clean and we’re going to get back into the sewers to get to the Tri-Spires?
SAM: Is this room that you rented gigantic?
LAURA: No, it’s kind of little, actually. You guys, it’s really little, actually.
LIAM: But really nice, you said?
MARISHA: But you paid for it!
LIAM: You paid for it! You know, you don’t want it to go to waste. There’s probably a very nice sitting room or tavern or something underneath this place. It’s a shame to let it go to waste.
LAURA: Yeah we all look nice enough, they might let us in. If not, let’s all go–
ASHLEY: Kill them.
SAM: What? What?
ASHLEY: I’m kidding.
SAM: Oh, okay.
LAURA: Sure, we walk back to the guards and I show them the key. Can we get in?
MATT: For the sake of brevity? Since it’s getting late and I want us to get to a good ending point tonight, they will let you in but nobody else.
TALIESIN: But she paid for the whole night with all of us!
MARISHA: It’s a posse!
TALIESIN: I try to look him right in the eye when I say that.
MATT: It’s not the same guards you met before, and they take your key but they look towards the rather rough-looking, large, scary barbarian woman, they look towards the very shifty-looking multicolored tiefling they look past the, while he is wearing a cloak, still rough, grimy-looking wizard, and they begin to fixate directly on the tiny green, but white mask-skinned halfling creature thing in earmuffs that’s squinting very hard and they begin to really pry in that direction before you start thinking this is not going to go well if I keep going–
LAURA: All right.
MARISHA: Well, maybe– Don’t let us hold you down, if you want to go enjoy?
LAURA: Oh, I don’t really want to stay in there alone.
TRAVIS: How about we dive bar it tonight, then?
MARISHA: Being alone is sucky, right?
MATT: You know one dive.
LAURA: The Evening Nip.
TALIESIN: No work, let’s go make an ass of ourselves at the Evening Nip.
MARISHA: Okay, no questions. Just scouting them out. Yeah yeah.
TALIESIN: Scout it out. I think that’s a great idea.
LIAM: (singing) Bar wars, nothing but bar wars!
MATT: All righty. Let me pull this up real fast. Easy enough to find! You head to another section of the Interstead sprawl–
MARISHA: Have we been here yet?
MATT: No, you have not been. You come to what is a small, dark-wood, rough and tumble dive bar with two very dangerous-looking guards at the outside. You see these thicker human guys, one who is completely bald, pale skin, big square chin that looks like it’s been broken in multiple places who has his arms crossed. The other one looks to be a spindly guy who’s sitting there, daggers sheathed on both sides, and they both watch you as you enter and they both just stare.
MARISHA: They’re bouncers, like rough bouncers at *that bar*.
MATT: Yeah. Which is interesting, because you expect for them to go through that it would be a really rowdy place but it’s very quiet. You walk inside and aside from the central candle-lit chandelier that is almost obtrusively laid from a low ceiling with a number of small booths that are built out of wood as well, it has a classic Old-England pub feel, but everything smells of dried beers and ale and rotted wood. You only see two other patrons in there that are at separate booths drinking alone, and across the way you see this very, very old dwarf with half of his beard burned away and this perpetual grimace. He’s sitting there looking out. As you enter, he perks up, “Aye. Can I help you?”
MARISHA: He’s the bartender?
MARISHA: We’ll take a round of your house ale, if you don’t mind.
TRAVIS: Start a tab, we’re looking to tie one on tonight. We’re celebrating.
MATT: “If I can ask what you’re celebrating?”
TRAVIS: Killed a fucking giant invisible spider, friend.
MATT: “That’s a pretty good reason to celebrate. Drinks coming right up.” He goes and gets you guys a number of drinks. The basest, most bitter ale you’ve had, but it’s functional.
TRAVIS: I appreciate that. Can I ask your name?
MATT: “They call me Clive.”
MATT: “Clive Bens, and this is my bar.”
TRAVIS: Nice to meet you, Clive.
MATT: “Pleasure as well.”
TRAVIS: Noticed some tough-looking types out front.
MATT: “Never be too careful. Dangerous times. Riots breaking out in the cities in the empire. Folks coming through, you got to be prepared. Don’t want to be taken advantage of.”
MARISHA: You been hit by any riots?
MATT: “No, but that’s why. I keep my front.” His eyes are locked in on you.
MARISHA: I was about to say, why–
TRAVIS: I know, I know!
LAURA: Does he look, like, mean at Fjord?
MATT: No, it’s just kind of creepy.
TRAVIS: He’s just locked in.
MARISHA: Hey, is green your favorite color or something?
MATT: Sorry, just don’t get a lot of your types in here.
LAURA: What is his type?
TRAVIS: Orc-ish blood.
LAURA: Pretty! See, Fjord, you’re just so handsome.
TRAVIS: Thank you, Jester. Clive, we’re not looking for any trouble.
MATT: “Then don’t start any. Finish your drinks. Enjoy.” He slips them out.
MARISHA: Thanks, man.
SAM: This place sucks.
LAURA: Yeah, maybe not the best place to celebrate, just putting it out there.
LIAM: That guy is socially awkward.
TRAVIS: Is there any music or is it just low murmured conversation?
MATT: There’s no conversation. Two people at separate booths that are drinking by themselves and they’re all looking at you.
MARISHA: Yeah, what do they look like?
TRAVIS: We walked into the Russian Mafia!
LIAM: This is Fight Club, really.
TRAVIS: Do you have a menu? You don’t, you don’t.
MARISHA: Do you have any beers on tap? Oh no, just the two? Okay. Interesting. Feels like this is a front!
MATT: There’s two other guys, one of them is a younger, plump human male, has a tuft of a red and grey goatee at the end of his chin. No hair on top of his head. The other guy looks to be human as well, he’s older in his forties, he glances over at you, he’s clutching a tankard, and you can see he has a very familiar tattoo around his neck.
TRAVIS: The tattoo is familiar or he’s familiar?
MATT: The tattoo. It’s not him, but it’s the tattoo.
LIAM: Show me your tats.
MATT: Yeah. You don’t know if it’s directly the same, but it’s a similar tattoo to Thed who you met earlier.
LAURA: Maybe you should ask him about his tattoos since you have tattoos as well.
TALIESIN: Just because someone has tattoos doesn’t mean they know everyone who has a tattoo. These are very different tattoos.
TRAVIS: Does the floor look barren? Wood? Any rugs, coverings?
LIAM: How big is this place?
MATT: This place is maybe 20 feet by 30 feet. It’s very small. The floor appears to be wood boards, there are a couple doors that leave into a kitchen or storage area. It’s a tiny fucking dive.
LAURA: Like, unless we’re going to do this we should get out.
SAM: Should we just do this, then?
TRAVIS: We did a little recon.
MARISHA: Yeah. Maybe we finish our drink and move on for now.
LAURA: Just go back to The Leaky Tap and then, you know.
TALIESIN: We learned something today.
TRAVIS: Have we slept after our spider bite?
MATT: You guys finish your terrible ale, and you leave.
LAURA: This is awful, and I don’t want it.
MARISHA: I pound it for her.
MATT: “Thanks for coming by, have a good night.”
LAURA: Thank you, Clive Bens!
MATT: You guys leave, and the two guards watch you leave.
ASHLEY: Nobody wants to stay?
SAM: Do you want to stay, Yasha? I’ll stay with you if you want.
ASHLEY: I quite like it here.
MATT: I’m thirsty and have been out of water and I keep going to drink nothing that’s there. I do it so much and I hate it!
MARISHA: Can someone fly us in some water for the DM?
MATT: It’s fine! Because as you–
TRAVIS: Are these your type of people?
ASHLEY: I do like these people a lot.
LIAM: Let’s play for another six hours.
TALIESIN: Six more hours? Let’s make it so they have to break this into like five YouTube videos.
MATT: Do you guys leave?
SAM: Yes, we leave. Take it away, Matt.
MATT: Okay. You gather your things up you leave out into the street to go onto the next leg of your evening adventure and that’s where we’ll close tonight’s episode.
MATT: It is 11:00, we’ll pick up next week as you guys are leaving the Evening Nip to whatever other business you want to go towards.
MARISHA: We learned so much today, you guys.
TALIESIN: I feel like we all grew as people.
LIAM: I don’t want to stop!
MARISHA: Feel like we were on a roll!
ASHLEY: Can we do it just us at home?
TRAVIS: With some quiches, and some mimosas–
MARISHA: Some lox and bagels!
MATT: I feel like it would be wonderful, and I feel like there would be a lot of very angry, disappointed people.
LIAM: Charlie the dog.
TALIESIN: Charlie farting in the corner.
LAURA: He’s so stinky now.
MATT: I know, he’s old and stinky! That was the gruffest of old biker bars. All right, guys. Thank you so much, always a pleasure. Pick this up next week, wish it was sooner! You guys, thank you so much, have a wonderful night, we’ll see you on the internet. Until then–
SAM: Yeah if anyone wants to come see me sing a cappella at the University of Virginia on Saturday night–
SAM: Anyway, good night, guys!
LIAM: That’s not a surprise! Sam has deep a cappella roots! You all know that!
SAM: I’ll be performing in a college a cappella concert on Saturday night.
TALIESIN: You are not.
LAURA: That’s so cool!
MARISHA: Where in Virginia?
LIAM: What’s the address, though?
SAM: I don’t know the address.
TRAVIS: University of Virginia, you’ll find it.
MATT: And on that note, folks, have a wonderful night, and is it Thursday yet? Good night.